Woke up fairly early to get in a workout before my shift at The Store, which had been extended on the front end by three hours. I did my thing at the gym, ate some food, and then drove up to the sticks and worked from 1 p.m. to 9 p.m.

I’m feeling better today. As much as I despise my hometown, The Store, and that damn retail job, the distraction is appreciated. It also helps that I’m making some cash in the process. Today’s focus at The Store was inventory, so it wasn’t exactly the most taxing of shifts.

In all honesty, my role with The Store isn’t that bad. I’m dramatic. Duh. The problem I have is more about me feeling trapped than anything else. I have so much to offer an employer. Yet, I often feel as though I’m not able to implement and/or develop those skills at The Store. I want to do more with my professional life than count merchandise in a dusty stock room. I want to feel as though I’m making a difference.

Another thing that’s sort of been draining me lately has been helping others with their problems. Listen. I know what shitty times are like. As such, I want to help my friends when they are feeling down. And I always will. In fact, I think I do a pretty good job of lifting people up when they need it. However, there are also times when I feel like a therapist for a lot of my friends.

I talked to Zoe from Australia again today. She’s still going through it with her ex, which I completely understand. I’ve been there before, and I want to help. But, we’ve been talking about her situation a lot recently. Naturally, I’m going to pull from my own experiences to give advice and help her out. However, constantly dredging up my past like that often brings me down in the process.

I sound like an asshole right now. This is all just a thought. Something I’ve had on my mind recently. At the end of the day, I would want someone to help me in my time of need as well. I’m not going to stop helping. I don’t think I could if I tried.

Anyway, I abandoned the team at The Store at 9 p.m. sharp, even though there was more work to do. From the mall, I think I drove downtown as fast as I ever have. Actually, come to think of it, I’ve been slightly reckless with my driving lately. My average speed is, like, 140km/h. At times, I’m over 160km/h. Yikes.

I arrived downtown at the Witch Cave and unpacked. Dan came over to drink while I was still in the shower. Tonight was Business Women’s Special, the monthly club night in Kensington Market. I hadn’t been since – maybe last summer? It’s my favorite party in the city, but Business Woman’s Special has always been somewhat anxiety-inducing for me. It’s because I know how many gays I’m guaranteed to see there – for better and for worse.

I wanted to keep it cute tonight. After much deliberation, it was decided that a pink wig and rhinestones glued around my eyes would not be the look. Dan said my hair looked good, so I stuck with it. I also kept my drinking (mostly) under control. In fact, I remember turning to Dan at one point in our cab ride to the bar, and admitting: “This is going to sound really weird, but I am the perfect level of drunk right now. Like, I’m very fucked up, but I feel in control.”

I can’t remember the last time I felt that way with alcohol. Usually, it’s one extreme or the other when it comes to my drinking. I’m either not feeling it at all, or I’m passed out in a bush. Tonight, I found myself relatively balanced. Well, for the most part.

Dan and I went inside the club. It was amazing. ‘90s music bumping, not too crowded, and someone complimented my hair within the first five minutes of being on the dance floor. Foregoing my pink wig was apparently a smart decision, and the night was off to a great start.

Naturally, I ran into a thousand gay guys I knew right off the bat. One of those familiar faces was Tito, and having that boy at Business Woman’s Special immediately altered the night I thought I was going to have. Dan and I parted ways soon after my initial encounter with Tito. As Dan went to talk with some friends at the bar, I slipped behind the DJ table, where I sat and drank with Tito and his girlfriend for most of the night.

I don’t know what the situation is with Tito. Having known one another for so long, we obviously have a unique relationship. We’ve dated. We’ve been intimate. We’ve both been shitty towards one another. We’ve reconciled. We’ve made out in his car. We’ve been through a lot together, but where are we now? At this point, I’m not sure Tito and I would be capable of a successful, long-term relationship. Yet, there’s always been this indescribable something about him that makes me want to hold on.

When I’m drunk around Tito, which is basically every time I’ve seen him recently, I’m very affectionate. Obviously, there is attraction on my part regardless of intoxication, but it’s in those boozy moments where I really lay down the moves. I’m sending mixed signals. I know I am. I’m just not sure I understand why.

Eventually, I got up to get another drink at the bar. Tito is sort of boring to go out with, because he likes to sit quietly in a corner and observe. I say boring, but I actually really like that about Tito. He carries himself with such a cool, calm, and collected demeanor, and that kind of effortless confidence is so sexy to me. That being said, Business Woman’s Special is a dance party. Tonight, I wanted to dance.

Unfortunately, I never ended up getting my groove on. After searching the bathroom stalls for Dan, I found out that he had migrated to The Madison to meet up with a guy. I’m guessing they hooked up, but I’m not sure. Either way, my dancing partner had flown the coop. Crap.

While I was waiting in line at the bar, I turned around to where I had been sitting with Tito. What did I see? Tito talking to some random guy! I was pissed. I was convinced they were flirting, and I became irrationally livid. This very handsome man was leaning into Tito, whispering something in his ear, and they were both wearing nothing but big fat smirks across their faces. Smirks, I tell you! It drove me absolutely insane, and I refused to go back and sit down with Tito.

At this point, I was maybe six drinks in. After I saw Tito and his home-wrecker, I ordered another beer and a shot of tequila. I was upset, and figured alcohol would help. That makes perfect sense, right?

Needless to say, I got myself sufficiently messed up. With Dan at another bar, Tito flirting with Angelina Jolie, and my veins carrying more alcohol than blood, I decided to call it a night. I took an Uber home, but I don’t remember what time I left the bar. It was late, though. Like, after 2 a.m.

Back at the Witch Cave, and halfway through trying to figure out Pizza Hut’s online delivery system, I passed out. Tonight started out really promising. At some point, however, it took a sharp turn for the worse. Probably around beer number four. Damn it.

Business Woman’s Special is a tricky night. I never know who I’m going to run into, and I don’t enjoy that kind of uncertainty. The only thing that could have made the evening infinitely worse would have been an encounter with RX. At Business Woman’s Special, that’s always a possibility.

Oh, I also saw my old friend/fling Gunther tonight. That was a surprisingly positive experience for me, but only because it was a rare instance where I was not the most intoxicated person in the club. I talked to Gunther very early on in the night – right after Dan and I got our first drinks – and the guy was fucked up. I actually thought Gunther was okay at first, but then he slurred something at me.

“What did you say?” I asked Gunther.

Gunther then leaned in, losing his balance in the process, and drunkenly whispered, “I’m trying to cuddle you.”

I giggled. It was funny! However, after Gunther’s slurring, I decided my original idea of buying him a friendly drink wasn’t going to fly. I pawned Gunther off on his friends and walked away.

I don’t really mind it when other people are piss drunk. If anything, I enjoy the way it distracts from my own antics. That being said, a fellow drunk also works as a bit of a Magic Mirror. When I see someone else visibly intoxicated, it inspires me to avoid making the same mistakes. Obviously, that inspiration didn’t click for me tonight.

Goodnight xo

@yalittlenasty Instagram post from this afternoon.