I slept in until noon today, which was 100% necessary for me to feel like a human being again. Of course, a late start also means I’m forced to rush through the remainder of my day.

I feel like I’m always fucking rushing. When is there going to be a day when I can just sit on my ass and do nothing? Or at least feel like I’m not hosting a constant competition between sleep and productivity. I don’t like this adulting business. I don’t like it one bit.

I was completely exhausted from yesterday. Last night’s edibles probably put me into a slight coma, too. I ran out to Walmart for groceries, came home, packed up my laundry, ate, and went to The Store to work 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. It was really weird. Almost anti-climactic, even. I thought my last shift at The Store was going to be this big going away celebration with a lot of people and tears. It wasn’t. Instead, things were so busy that everyone was running around with their heads chopped off. It was very hectic.

While working on the sales floor, I enjoyed some one-on-one moments with guests. Passing out stickers, interacting with kids, and giving out all of the free crap I could find. I was really just trying to go above and beyond, as they say. That’s the thing. At The Store, doing more than the bare minimum isn’t a chore. I mean, I suppose it isn’t really anywhere else either. That’s just how I’m wired.

I found a basket of old buttons behind the cash, which I let two kids rummage through. I told them to take whatever they wanted. Later, the mother came up to me and admitted that the kids’ aunt had just died, and that I really made their day with the button gesture. That was both heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time.

Alicia left at 6 p.m. The rest of us worked independently during the visual set until about 11 p.m., which was when I had to leave. Everyone else stayed and continued to work.

It was very strange leaving The Store tonight. I spent four years of my life in that box. Eight years in total with the company. I’ve cried in every corner, dealt with breakups in the back room, laughed with everyone, yelled at everyone, been physically harassed by soccer moms, been stabbed in the back by co-workers – everything. There are so many memories for me at The Store, both good and bad. It’s crazy.

I will say though, I am glad that I had tonight’s last shift. It reminded me that I really don’t like the retail line of work. I was not happy doing the visuals. The customer service work on the sales floor was fun for three hours – even less, because I spent a lot of time in the back room talking to Alicia and taking the garbage out – but I can’t sustain that. I can’t work retail full-time. It’s incredibly draining, both mentally and physically.

I managed to get one last scam in tonight. There was a box of journals that Alicia needed destroyed, as they couldn’t be sold in Canada. I convinced Alicia to let me take one of them home, and she said it was fine as long as I destroyed the rest. Well, I wheeled the box to the garbage, but then turned around and took all 12 copies to my car and threw them in the trunk. I’m not throwing away journals! Not only would it be a complete waste, but there are so many kids that I could give them to. Imagine the creative writing those books could hold! To be honest, the whole thing almost felt like a sign for me. It was my last shift at The Store, and there were blank journals waiting there for me? The pencils that came with the journals had “Listen with Your Heart” engraved on their sides.

Every passing minute of my life, I want to quit my job at The Clubhouse. I want to have a wild adventure.

I dream of letting go of my apartment.

Driving around North America.

Meeting new people.

Staying with old friends.

Visiting Uncle Jack and Aunty Kelly in California, and living with them for a couple of months.

Flying to Europe.

I want to have a completely spontaneous adventure, and write my stories wherever I go. It’s what I want more than anything in the world. I am so scared to do it, though.

How can I give up my apartment?

How can I leave my friends?

How can I quit my job?

How can I survive without any fucking money?

There are so many questions I have. Still, I feel like this urge for adventure has been bubbling inside of me for so long. Everything is reaching a boiling point, where I feel as though I’m going to end up making some crazy decision. After that, it’s all going to happen for me.

You know how I believe in signs, right? Well, a big part of me is waiting for that flashing neon sign to arrive and tell me to just – go! Just fucking go. Live your life as a 26-year-old. Have your adventures, follow your passion, and write your damn stories if you want to do it so much. Maybe I’ll take the money out of my untouchable savings account to support myself for a bit. I don’t know. I need a change.

The clock struck 11 p.m., and that was it at The Store. Eight years of working for them, crying, laughing, yelling, sleeping, scamming, and making magic. What a weird fucking job to have all of that happen. I loved it. There are so many parts that I don’t enjoy anymore, and my view of the company has certainly changed from when I was 18, but perhaps that’s what growing up is about? I don’t know. A part of me enjoys the enlightenment, and the other part of me wants to revert back to my naivety.

I still love The Store with all my heart. I love it all. As much as I bitched and moaned about it so many times, I will miss it. I won’t miss the work itself, but I will miss the people and the environment. Although, the fact of the matter is that The Store’s “environment” has changed so drastically in the past year with people quitting and new kids being hired, that it’s not the same place anymore. I’ve romanticized it. In reality, I know my time has come.

I have so much respect for the women of The Store. I learned so much about myself working with them. I appreciate every opportunity that the job provided, the trips I was able to take with my family, the presents I bought people, the people I met, and the memories I made for other people. It was all so amazing. I will miss The Store. Perhaps this is the right step for me and my future, though. I want something new and exciting for my life, and I don’t think it’s going to happen if I continue with my habits of holding on to the past.

I punched out for the very last time, looked around, and felt very uncomfortable. It was over. Eight years, and I had just clocked out like normal.

#-0-0-3-5-7-6-4-6

Enter.

It’s surreal. Tonight doesn’t feel like it was my “last” time at The Store by any means. I took a picture of the back room and the work I had done on the floor during my shift, hugged a few co-workers goodbye, and then left. I drove to the Casa Z, got my things, and continued downtown.

Sebastian Garner, the guy I went on a date with all those years ago in LA, has now moved to Toronto. Sebastian has an interview in the city early tomorrow morning, and asked if he could spend the night at my place. Despite having a completely insane day tomorrow, I agreed. At first, I suggested Sebastian find another place. When he couldn’t, I knew I had to help.

Sebastian is at the Witch Cave right now, sitting on the couch as I’m writing this journal entry from my bed. I don’t know how to handle his visit. We’re fine. Things feel relatively normal. It’s not awkward, or anything like that. However, Sebastian and I also spent four years post-LA texting about sex and dating. One time, Sebastian even went as far as saying that he regretted not taking a chance with me.

All of that considered, I know there’s got to be some underlying intentions. Right? Do I push for that to happen tonight, though? I don’t want to set myself up for something that’s going to screw me (mentally) in the long run. I don’t want a relationship with Sebastian. Also, he needs to find his footing in the city. I suppose I’m not too concerned with that last point, but people do tend to change after their first year of living in Toronto. Ugh. I think too much.

I got ready for bed and took a Xanax. I need a solid slumber. Tomorrow is going to be completely fucked. I’m filming a TV talk show pilot with Lauryn tomorrow. What! I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence. I also can’t believe that I won’t have time to do a face mask in the morning. Goddamn it.

Alright, my Xanax is kicking in. I need to call it a night. Thank God I slept until noon today, because going to bed at 1:45 a.m. is not a recipe for a fresh-faced morning look.

Now, I need to say goodnight to Sebastian. Oy. I’m such a schlemiel.

Goodnight xo

@yalittlenasty Instagram post from this afternoon.