I needed sleep like no other. It felt so amazing to wake up on my own time this morning. No alarms, no snooze buttons, and no panicking about being late for work yet again. My hand was also feeling better. I could actually use it, so things were looking up. I can’t wait until I can masturbate again. In hindsight, I should have at least tried to get myself off this morning. Perhaps it would have curbed my inevitable horniness that occurred later today whilst drinking around a bunch of cute guys. Oh, well!

I got myself together, decided what I was going to bring to Phillip’s place for his BBQ, and then went out for the following errands:

• Bank to deposit my government moulah

• Grocery store for BBQ food

• Liquor store for liquid confidence/depressants

• Dollar store for glass champagne flutes

After my trek around the Village, I returned to the Witch Cave and finished getting ready. I also made myself look extra cute to piss off PW, who would no doubt be in attendance this afternoon. With every hair in place, I took the streetcar to meet Lauryn at the top of Phillip’s street.

Lauryn and I got to the party at 2 p.m., which was an hour after our call time. This was done on purpose. We were sure we would be making a fabulous entrance to a packed party. Wrong! Phillip’s place was a fucking ghost town. Lauryn and I were the first people there. In hindsight, our early arrival was a good thing, though. It meant we were able to ease ourselves into things.

Our Saturday was off to a great start. The weather was perfect, Phillip had prepared a ton of delicious food pon de grill, we were sitting in the backyard with our champagne flutes, and I was meeting new people left and right. I loved it.

Naturally, PW appeared around 3 p.m. As I suspected he would, PW kept his distance from me. It was uncomfortable, but I wasn’t going to let the guy ruin my day. The only problem was that PW had situated himself outside of the back door to the house, and I could only go so long without a drink in my flute. When my thirst finally reached its peak, I had to bite the bullet. I walked by PW on my way to the kitchen, tapped him on the shoulder, and said hello. We exchanged an awkwardly quick, “Hey, how are you?” and that was it. This was going to be a very interesting party.

The day progressed without any further communication with PW. I talked to every single person at the party except for him. This included PW’s roommates, the roommates’ boyfriends, and all of PW’s other friends. However, not once did PW ever approach me again. I didn’t make a big deal about it. Instead, I was nice to PW whenever I would see him. I would smile and make eye contact every single time, and I didn’t say a bad word about him the entire day. For someone who dumped me, PW was acting very odd. Whatever.

Although I had Lauryn around here and there to socialize with, we separated from one another for major parts of the party as we met and talked with Phillip’s different friends. Later, Lauryn also invited her friend Kayla – the girl whose condo she hosted her birthday party at two nights ago. That was great for me, though. Lauryn was quite self-sufficient as it was, but Kayla’s attendance meant that I no longer had to play the role of wingman. As a result, I got to talk to a lot of Phillip’s friends one-on-one. Getting to know so many new people was a lot of fun for me.

The entire course of the day was sort of a blur. We were drinking a lot, but at no point was I over my limit. That’s because every time I went to pour myself a new drink inside the house, I would grab a Mason jar and chug two full glasses of water. That was the key to my survival today. Catching my drinking before I took it too far. Because of this, I lasted until 2 a.m. That’s right, bitch! I spent 12 hours at this fucking BBQ, and I didn’t blackout once. Throughout that time, I:

• Smoked a shit ton of nicotine vapor from some guy’s vape

• Presented Phillip with a birthday cake, and popped a bottle of champagne for him and all of his friends

• Was absolutely charming

• Had my ass hanging out of my jorts

• Changed ensembles after sunset – morphing from Summertime Slut to Evening Gentleman with my shirt tucked in

• Socialized with random British men on the front stoop of the house while they taught me how to roll a cigarette with loose tobacco – not that I needed one, considering I’d forgotten how many regular cigarettes I had already smoked

• Made 1,600 party goers look at their shirts and then flicked their noses

• Smoked a bong with Phillip’s friend Nicole, who told me that she noticed how PW was acting strange around me. Nicole also spilled the tea on how this was common behavior from PW when it came to his dating life

• And more!

By this point in the night, it was now well after 2 a.m., which meant that it was time to leave. Kayla was about as stoned as I’d ever seen someone, so she jumped in a cab and disappeared. Lauryn was still at the party, but I wasn’t sure where she was or what she was doing. I had been outside with Phillip’s friends for the better part of the night, mainly because I needed to defend Mariah Carey’s honor to the British guy who kept trash talking her. The audacity!

Eventually, I found Lauryn inside the house. She was in the kitchen, upset that Phillip was with another girl. This news surprised me. I was sure that Lauryn and Phillip were going to hook up by the end of the night, as per their history together. Rightfully so, Lauryn was mad that there was another girl in Phillip’s bed.

Confused by what was happening, I decided to do some investigating. I went into Phillip’s room, saw a girl passed out on his bed, and returned to Lauryn to let her know that she had nothing to worry about. The sleeping girl was a friend of Phillip’s. I was ready to leave. Lauryn was not.

A few minutes later, Lauryn went back into Phillip’s bedroom and saw him making out with his now very awake friend. Lauryn completely lost it. She went full-on insane. Get the gurney! I had no idea how to handle the mess that was now spiraling out of control. I told Lauryn that we needed to go home.

Before we left, Lauryn wanted to get her things. We got a plastic bag from under the kitchen sink – is that a common bond all humans share? – and Lauryn filled it with the champagne she brought Phillip for his birthday, a bottle of PW’s expensive beer, and two books she stole from Phillip’s roommate. Fuck.

While this was happening, I decided that it would be best to return to my spot outside the house. I did not want to get any further involved in the disaster that the evening had now become. Lauryn and I were going to share a cab home with Phillip’s friends Nicole and Jackie, both of whom lived in the Village. Given the storm that was currently brewing inside Phillip’s house, I had a feeling our ride home together was not going to happen. I told the girls to go ahead without us.

I was standing on the sidewalk, ready and waiting to go home. All of the sudden, the front porch door blew open and Hurricane Lauryn stormed out in front of everyone. Lauryn marched down to the curb where I was standing, and told me that the girl in Phillip’s bed had been talking shit about her. Lauryn called the girl a bitch, and then told Phillip that she was a cunt. According to Lauryn, that’s when Phillip asked her to leave and locked the front door on her.

I needed to get Lauryn out of there. I pleaded with her to come with me, but she wouldn’t listen. Lauryn told me that she still wasn’t finished with Phillip. With the front door now bolted shut, Lauryn walked toward the back of the house. I continued to yell after her, begging her to leave with me. That wasn’t going to happen. Lauryn had now re-entered the house through the backyard door. After that, the next thing I saw was Lauryn arguing with Phillip through the front window.

My jaw was on the cement. Lauryn was screaming at Phillip. It was a huge scene. Although I couldn’t fully make out what the two of them were saying, their argument was loud enough that I could hear the muffled yelling from the sidewalk at the end of the house’s front yard. I can only imagine what the people on the porch experienced.

Lauryn finally came out of the house again. We walked up the street to get a cab home, Lauryn crying the entire way. This was a fucking disaster. When we arrived at the corner, we saw Nicole and Jackie still waiting for their cab. Fuck. Sorry, girls. I guess we were sharing that ride home together after all.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, I then realized that I had forgotten my backpack and phone at Phillip’s house. I had to leave Lauryn at the corner with the girls and run back for my stuff. By the time I returned, the three of them were sitting in a taxi – with Lauryn still bawling her eyes out to everyone. Jesus H. Christ. Where did things go so wrong? Despite my wish upon a star, Lauryn never calmed down. The girl cried the entire cab ride home. I didn’t know what to do.

When the four of us arrived in the Village, I leaned into Nicole and Jackie and apologized with everything I had. It would have been one thing for them to console Lauryn over a random guy, but here Lauryn was talking shit about Phillip – one of Nicole and Jackie’s best friends. How great was this going to look on me too, given that I’m now trying to break into Phillip’s friend group after being banned from it for the last two years? What was PW going to think of this? Not that I care. I just try to avoid looking crazier than I already do.

Lauryn and I walked to my apartment. I really don’t remember much after that. I was so mentally exhausted from the drama that had just taken place. I crawled into bed and passed out. Lauryn slept on the couch.

What a disaster. What a big fat fucking disaster. How am I going to deal with this one? I swear, I never used to have any drama in my life. Now, I’m surprised if even a few days go by without something cataclysmic happening.

Goodnight xo