Woke up in my bed at the Witch Cave. I literally had no idea that Bryan was lying beside me. I had completely forgotten that he spent the night, and when I rolled over this morning, there he was. It wasn’t a bad thing. Like, I consciously wanted Bryan there. Having him spend the night was not an intoxicated decision. But, it still took me back a bit to see a guy in my bed. I was spooked! I was happy to wake up next to Bryan, though. I liked having him there.

Bryan and talked a lot in bed. We made out a lot, too. I brewed us some coffee, and then rolled the TV towards the end of the bed. We watched an episode of The Nanny and continued kissing and feeling each other up. By the beginning of the second episode, I had finally moved my head south. It was happening.

I say “finally,” because it took, like, three hours to make that progression. We had been doing just about everything else up until that point, but eventually I just went for it. I was nervous, though. I hadn’t asked anything about STDs or stuff like that. I didn’t know how. How do you bring that up? It’s such an awkward thing to ask. Yet, it’s also incredibly stupid of me not to ask. I’ve been – quite literally – burned by STDs so many times that I’ve now lost count. I should be asking my partners when they were last tested.

Anyway, I ended up giving Bryan a blowjob. He came. Bryan has a nice dick, too. Honestly, I know that seems like such a superficial thing to say. That is, until you date the guy who has a big toe for a cock and it ruins everything. Size does matter. You don’t have to be King Kong, but it needs to be my size or bigger. That’s all I’m going to say about that. For now, at least.

Oh, and another thing! I swear to God, I don’t think Bryan actually came. He must have, though? I mean, all signs pointed to it. He was convulsing a bit, his moaning got louder, and he went soft right after. So, unless Bryan and his penis are Julliard graduates, I guess he just didn’t come a lot. I didn’t taste anything. It was weird.

Bryan tried reciprocating the gesture for a bit, but didn’t really put that much effort in. After a few minutes, he looked up at me and said, “Help me help you.”

I had no idea what that meant. I still have no idea. What does that mean! Bryan also didn’t respond to me when I asked him for clarification. I ended up taking matters into my own hands. Literally. I straddled Bryan and got myself off. I came a bit on Bryan, but mostly in my hand. It was good.

I was thinking of Logan again during parts of this morning’s fun. The thing is, I like Bryan. I don’t know why those images of Logan keep popping up. It happened after I broke up with RX, too. However, those thoughts have now completely faded to the point of a vague recollection, so the memories of Logan will no doubt vanish over time as well. I wish they didn’t have to, though. Fuck. I miss Logan so much. I miss him so much.

Soon after all of that, Bryan and I wrapped things up at the Witch Cave and left together. Bryan went back to his place, and I drove the car out to pick up Hellacious at the Gladstone Hotel, as she had checked out of her room. Based on her texts, I thought she was going to be mad at me for keeping her waiting, but all was fine. When I got to the Gladstone, Hellacious was just chilling in the café, having a tea.

Hellacious and I talked briefly at her table as she settled up her bill, then walked down the street to The Beaver for brunch. It was nice to have a relaxed meal and talk about random stuff with her, outside of all event/work topics. Just two friends learning more about one another. Hellacious is such an amazing person. I’m so proud of her/him. The pronouns really don’t matter, by the way.

After brunch, we drove straight to the airport and said our goodbyes. Of course, after I’d left the airport, Hellacious messaged me.

Hellacious: “I think we forgot something.”

Damn it! I’d forgotten to give her the payment for the party, which we had even said not to forget during brunch, so I had to turn around. Goodbye, part two. I think Hellacious would come back for another party – she said she had a great time.

Driving home, I felt really shitty. That feeling lasted for the better part of the day and night. And I don’t mean just down and depressed. I mean, I literally wanted to kill myself at times.

I’m so disappointed in myself. MOMENTS was an absolute train wreck. Despite people around me saying what a great time they had, I feel like I just want to be dead. It would be easier than going through yet another failure. And MOMENTS was a fucking massive failure.

I’m lying in bed typing this right now. I had to take two Xanax pills today just to get me to this point. I feel so low. It’s all because of the event. It just – it wasn’t the vision I had. I think that’s the problem. I had my head so wrapped around this perfect, idyllic vision of what I wanted. When things didn’t turn out the way I had imagined them, I wasn’t prepared to throw a different type of party.

Here’s the thing, though. MOMENTS wasn’t a bad party. It was a good party. But, it was a different one. MOMENTS just wasn’t what I expected it to be. Had I known the event would turn out the way it did, I would have done things differently. However, last night was also my first event. Ever. So, a lot of me knows that all of this was somewhat inevitable.

Of course, MOMENTS could have been a complete and total fuck fest. In a good way. With hundreds of people, partying, having a great time. With the drag performances transitioning smoothly throughout the night. With the music never missing a beat, and the projections working perfectly. But, it wasn’t like that at all.

The numbers thing bothered me a lot. The lack of a crowd was the major source of my anxiety throughout the entire night. Why? Because that’s what I felt the evening depended on. That being said, I truly feel like I shared MOMENTS and publicized it to the best of my current ability. Within my limited budget, I can’t think of anything extra I could have done that would have made the party any busier. I was also dealing with Easter weekend. When I take all of that into consideration, along with the fact that it was my first event, I guess I don’t feel completely horrible about it.

Friends were texting me throughout the day, saying how much fun they had, how proud they were of me, how impressed, etc. There are a number of photos online, as well. From both friends and strangers, which is cool. I just wish I could have been there to enjoy the event with them. I was physically present in the space, but I found myself in such a different mental state all night. When I finally drank a decent amount of alcohol, I was able to let loose a bit. Even then, there was still a lot of anxiety running wild – along with me running up and down staircases.

Hellacious killed it, though. If there was one thing that I know was a success, it was Hellacious. I was so proud of her. It was like night and day when she took to the stage after me. I was such a fucking amateur, but when Hellacious grabbed the microphone and pumped up the audience after her second performance, it was amazing. She was so confident. Everyone loved it. They were screaming for it. Seeing that kind of social flair gave me a bit of confidence, too.

After witnessing Hellacious do her thing, I then tried to be a bit more like her. My second time on the stage was definitely better than my first introduction, that’s for sure. I’ve failed to mention that I had this whole idea of how I would be throughout the night, too. How successful I would be. How confident I would be. I saw myself as a superstar, hosting a fabulous event with hundreds of people having the best time of their lives. None of that happened.

I drove up to Casa Z for Easter dinner tonight. I’m sleeping here because I have a shift at The Store tomorrow morning. Soon after I had arrived at the house, I saw Phillip. He wasted no time in informing me that someone, whom he apparently can’t remember, told him, “Kurt was macking on a guy near the end of the night.”

I mean, yeah. That was true. Bryan came to the party and we made out. We’re dating. Sue me. Actually, Bryan bought me a drink too, which was nice of him. Come to think of it, a lot of people bought me drinks last night as a way of congratulating me, which I thought was generous. I didn’t really want to celebrate, but I definitely needed the champagne.

Anyway, yeah. I kissed Bryan last night. But, I didn’t think that we were “macking” by any means. All Phillip’s comment did was cause me to continue overthinking things. Was I drunk? I drank a lot, but I don’t remember being wasted. Then my mind goes to, “If I was out of control, did Mason see? Is he mad now? Did I fuck up? How will this affect my future?” It’s all so fucked up.

One more thing that’s fucked up is that another Bryan – my doctor at the Hassle Free Clinic – was at the party last night, buying me drinks and pressuring me to do drugs with him in the bathroom. What does it say about me when my sexual health doctor is pushing me to snort things with him at a Mariah Carey dance party? I don’t know what it says, but it definitely says something. For the record, I didn’t do any drugs last night.

I’m in a weird headspace. I want to be happy. I want to be happier. But, for some reason, I still feel like I failed last night. My anxiety only grew worse during Easter dinner, as I had my entire family asking me a thousand questions about the event. I had smoked weed in the car on my drive home, which had initially helped me relax, but once I got to Casa Z and 20/20 began, I was not feeling it. I excused myself from the dinner table at a certain point so I could to go to the bathroom. In reality, I went upstairs to my bedroom and took a Xanax. When I returned, everyone was still asking the exact questions I didn’t want to answer:

“How much money did you make?”

“How many people came?”

“What’s the next event going to be?”

“What’s your next step?”

No, no, no, and no. Fuck. I secretly swallowed another Panic Pill. My family still doesn’t know I take them. After that, I barely said a word at dinner. I locked myself in my room at 8:30 p.m., and now I’m about to go to bed.

I should be happy. I really should. I recounted the money from last night’s ticket sales, and I came up with about $1,900. With the float removed, that’s around $1,400. I’ll likely walk away with a couple hundred, because I’m sure my expenses are more than I’ve calculated.

So, what would I have done differently?

Well, for starters, I would have literally just played Mariah Carey’s music. Nobody else. I thought people would get sick of it, or want a variety of artists played, but multiple people ended up asking me for more Mariah songs. I hadn’t accounted for the fact that the crowd was there for Mariah. It’s funny, because before my January meeting with Mason, that was my plan. Only Mariah. Somewhere down the road and after that meeting, I drifted from that concept.

I also didn’t deal with the drag performances that well. We should have rehearsed the transitions. It was too hard timing them the way I did. I should have just made one master set list with Phillip instead of individual sets to play between Hellacious’s lip syncs.

I wanted to relax more before the party. I should have gotten ready earlier so I could have done that.

I should have accepted the party for what it became, and lived in the moment.

Through all of this, I keep thinking about my therapy session with Moira Nightingale, and how she instructed me on the importance of living in the moment. To not think about the past or the future, and to simply enjoy what is happening in my life right now. Ironic, isn’t it? Now I’m here, looking back on how I would have done things differently. Which is ironic in itself, because one of those notes is that I wanted to be present in the moment of the party. Yet, I’m still overanalyzing and not living in the current moment. Fuck, man. I think too damn much.

This is not the end, though. I’ve learned a lot from all of this, and I’m going to move forward. It seems like people had a good time, so that’s encouraging. What’s bothering me is that I know I could have given them an even better time. Nonetheless, we’re going to move on – and move up. I can’t go back and change anything at this point. I do want to disappear for a bit, though. I’m feeling a bit overexposed right now. I think it’s time to go into digital hiding for a bit. I’m fucking exhausted. Today drained me.

I’m very thankful, though.

I’m thankful for the support of my friends and family.

I’m thankful or the trust that I managed to obtain from a large business and a complete stranger.

I’m thankful for the connections that I have in various areas of my life, and for the willingness of those people to help me out with something that I was so passionate about.

And I’m thankful for myself, because I made last night happen.

MOMENTS was a lot of damn work. I had the whole thing hooked up. The event space looked incredible. The photos, the posters, the candy, the cutout, the drink specials, the international drag queen. Not to mention the projections, which took everything to a whole other level. I delivered last night. I delivered on everything but the crowd. But, it was still a quality crowd. Perhaps that was more important than quantity?

I think the perfectionist in me is having a moment of her own tonight. My OCD is what’s making me act this way right now. It will pass. Writing this journal entry has already helped.

At the Witch Cave this morning, Bryan could tell that I had mixed feelings on the event. Throughout the day, he offered a couple of times to let me open up and talk, and said that he was happy to listen. I don’t want to get into the whole thing over text, but perhaps I’ll discuss things with him later. We’ll see. Anyway, the reason I’m mentioning this is because I thought it was really sweet of Bryan to make an offer like that. For him to encourage me to speak about my emotions, and let him know how I’m feeling. It’s nice to know that Bryan cares.

Goodnight xo