Woke up early and fairly rested at Casa Z, thanks to a Xanax-induced slumber. I managed to squeeze in a full workout and shower, and had all of my things for Montreal packed up and ready to go on time after that.

When I came upstairs from the gym, I had a missed call and voicemail message. I thought the number was from The Clubhouse, but when I listened to the voicemail, it was The Toronto Film Group. They were calling to interview me for the events position that I had applied for!

Having already worked a couple of contracts for The Toronto Film Group, I knew the girl who left the message – Valentina. I called her back, and had what I thought was a pretty decent phone interview. Or, at least, one that would hopefully warrant a follow-up, in-person interview. Valentina said that I would likely know their decision to move forward by tomorrow. Of course, in Toronto Film Group language, that probably means a week. We’ll see! Still, I’m happy that I’ve made it to this point.

The family truck is officially dead. We couldn’t drive it to Montreal. Naturally, once we had finished moving everything into the Volkswagen, there were more problems. After a complete tire change, we were finally on our way to Montreal.

We arrived at our hotel near the airport in exactly five hours, at 4:30 p.m. Mom, Dad, Phillip, and I quickly unpacked, showered, and changed. Cousin Ashley and her fiancé Oliver had asked me to be the witness at their wedding, which meant that I needed to be at the rehearsal happening this evening. Dad drove me to the church, and I joined the rest of the wedding party.

To be honest, I was slightly over-dressed compared to everyone else tonight. I was wearing high-rise palazzo pants, a mock turtleneck t-shirt, and semi-platform dress shoes. I thought I looked damn good, though. I don’t say that often, but when I looked in the mirror tonight, I felt really good about myself. It was a nice change from the usual look of disgust I give my reflection.

I wonder what it will be like when I get married? Naturally, a number of Oliver’s friends and family members were at the rehearsal. It was so weird to see the other side of a couple. When you marry a person, you don’t just take them. You take all of their relationships, too. For better, or for worse. Obviously, I’ve seen first-hand with Mom and Granny that sometimes family members aren’t going to get along – for whatever reason.

I’ve always wanted my boyfriend/husband to have a big family, because my immediate one is pretty small. I really liked that about RX’s family. There were so many people and different personalities. Although I try to avoid mixing friend groups while dating, at this point I want a boyfriend with cool friends, too. I’m not exactly happy with my current social group.

The friends that I love to see now have their own stuff going on. Boyfriends, fiancés, house hunting, weddings, etc. The friends who are always free aren’t exactly stimulating me the way that I want. Let’s take Phillip, for example. I witnessed how he changed a lot when he met his (now ex-) girlfriend Sarah, his current roommates, and that whole circle of friends. They helped Phillip move to a place where he now learns and tries new things. That’s what I want. It’s not to say that I’m waiting on someone else to facilitate that change. In fact, I am actively working on it myself. I’m just saying that sometimes an encouraging social group makes it a bit easier. Of course, at the end of the day, if I want something to happen, I know that I’ve got to do it myself.

After the church rehearsal, Cousin Evan and his girlfriend Claire drove me with them to Aunty Joyce and Uncle Will’s house – otherwise known as “The Walkers’.” We relaxed for about 15 minutes, and then drove over to Oliver’s parents’ house for dinner.

Despite numerous offers from a variety of people throughout the night – Mom being the most persistent – I didn’t have anything to drink this evening. I also felt good about my minimal food intake.

Tonight was a standard family function. By that, I mean I sat alone at one point to eat my dinner. Phillip is always my go-to, though. I latched on to him a couple of times to avoid talking to anyone else. Especially the Vargas family. After what had happened with Mom and Cousin Victoria in March/April, I said a quick, cordial hello to each member of the Vargas family, and then swiftly walked away in the opposite direction.

I kept a Xanax pill in my pocket all night. I tried to be a bit more social, but found it somewhat difficult. I wasn’t interested in answering everybody’s standard, “What are you up to these days?” line of questioning. Although I had elaborate lies lined up to combat any job/career-related questions, I didn’t end up using any of them. Instead, I opted to simply say that I wasn’t doing anything. I figured that if I carried myself with an honest, confident attitude about my lack of, well, anything, nobody could really use it against me.

Earlier, Claire had asked me that awful question in the car.

“What are you up to these days, Kurt?”

I shut that conversation down before it even started, but Claire asked me again during dinner. I opened up to her when we were alone.

Claire is a really interesting girl. As Cousin Evan’s girlfriend, it’s nice to talk to someone from outside of our family circle. I find there’s less judgment. Perhaps that’s not the appropriate wording. It just seems as though there’s more of a desire to learn about each other, as you obviously didn’t grow up together. That might not even be the case for every outsider, either. Claire just seems to have a grasp on what I’m going through right now. We are able to relate to one another on a variety of levels. I mean, the girl has definitely had her struggles. I think she knows what’s up.

It never ceases to surprise me how similar people’s struggles can be. We have such a tendency to keep things inside, because of the fear that someone will judge us for revealing our pain. However, all it takes is for one person to start talking. A single voice that speaks their truth. Then, sure enough, someone else always pops up and relates. We aren’t that different. I don’t know why I make myself out to be such a black sheep all the time.

The dinner party ended, and we all went back to the hotel. Except for Phillip, who slept at Cousin Evan and Claire’s place in downtown Montreal. That was awesome, because I had more space to myself at the hotel. The Cassar’s – Uncle Jack, Aunty Kelly, and Cousin Jake – hung out in our family suite for a while before bed.

As I was changing out of my dress clothes, my Xanax fell out of my trouser pocket and onto my bed. Nobody saw, but it was kind of a funny moment for me. It was very much one of those “special surprise” moments, like when you find forgotten money in your coat pocket. I popped the pill in my mouth, and climbed into bed.

Goodnight xo