There’s no sleep like a Xanax sleep. But, fuck me. I have a feeling that these Panic Pill habits will end up being a problem. With weed, it was different. There wasn’t much of a dependency. However, with these pills, I genuinely crave them. Xanax is an instant calm.

Somehow, I managed to convince Mom to bring me breakfast from the hotel buffet this morning so that I could eat it in bed, which I did. Phillip was still at Cousin Evan’s apartment downtown, Mom went to Aunty Joyce’s with every other female family member to work on flower arrangements, and Dad, Uncle Jack, and Cousin Jake went out and did a bunch of random errands together. I had the hotel suite to myself. Fine by me!

As part of my mission to become the most smartest, I’ve been trying to read a lot of news articles online. I’m starting with Vice. So far, so good. I’m feeling more smarter already! I also applied to a couple of jobs, and took pictures of myself in front of a mirror modeling various outfits. It was a very productive morning. After that, I went to the gym and did my thing, including a session in the sauna, and then returned to the hotel room and changed into my pre-approved ensemble for the night.

Soon after Mom, Dad, and Phillip returned to the room, the four of us drove over to the Walkers’ house for round two of the family dinners. I decided I would stay away from the booze again, which proved to be another success story. It’s not even a struggle at this point. I feel like I’m 18 again. I simply don’t have a desire to drink.

When I’m sober, I genuinely don’t want to drink. I enjoy my water. It’s only when I have a drink or two, and I get that “feeling” that I want more. And more. And more. And everything’s fine until my alcohol hits me all at once. After that happens, there’s no turning back until I wake up naked the next morning. So, anyway, I didn’t drink tonight. But, I did eat. A lot. This new slimmer figure isn’t going to last much longer. At least, not while I have an endless amount of food being thrown at me every hour.

Cousin Victoria flew into town late last night. As such, I was avoiding the Vargas clan at dinner even more than I was last night. Nonetheless, tonight was actually pretty fun! I latched on to Cousin Jake, and we hung out together the entire evening. Truth be told, I think it was a mutual latching on. After all, 11-year-olds are really my main demographic. I love that kid so much. We just laughed about stupid things all night, using Snapchat to swap faces with each other and unsuspecting party goers. It was fun. When I’m sober like I was tonight, I really feel like the best version of myself.

Everything about tonight was pretty good. Oliver and I talked together for a while. For the first time since he and Cousin Ashley started dating ten years ago, I felt like it was a natural conversation.

Back in February, when Cousin Ashley and I were in Vegas, she had asked me if I would give a speech at her wedding. Of course, I said yes. That kind of writing and public speaking has never been an issue for me, and I was honored to have been asked. Naturally, I put off my speech writing until the last minute, but I managed to punch out something pretty good during yesterday’s road trip.

While chatting with Oliver tonight, he revealed that I would be the first one giving a speech during tomorrow night’s reception. This was for two reasons: 1) because Oliver and Ashley wanted their parents to be last, but, mostly, 2) they didn’t want me to be drunk.

To be honest, that was completely fair reasoning given my track record with drinking. I haven’t exactly been this “best self” around Ashley or Oliver during recent visits, so I understood. Not to mention, Ashley no doubt told Oliver what happened in Vegas. I suppose their reasoning was even funny to a certain degree. However, I would be lying if I said Oliver’s comments didn’t bother me. It’s not exactly the way I want people to think of me, but it is what it is. I’m a bit of a loose cannon, and I know it.

The family returned to the hotel at a reasonable hour. I jumped into bed right after Mom and Dad finished watching Toronto Raptors stuff on TV. I also continued to actively avoid communication with Bryan tonight, checking in with him only a couple of times.

Today would have been five years together with RX. I thought about messaging him, but didn’t see the point. I thought about posting some vague Instagram video to mark the occasion, but felt uninspired.

I took a Xanax. I want a fresh start.

Goodnight xo