Now that I have to watch my hours, I got to work at 10 a.m. today. Although the smaller paychecks will be annoying, I suppose a lighter schedule has its perks.

Thanks to all of the food I’ve been eating before bed, I’ve been feeling extra bloated lately. It’s totally screwing me over. After binge eating all night, I then wake up at my heaviest the next morning, and the swelling lasts well into the afternoon.

Once I finished working on stupid shit all day, I began preparing for tonight’s Open House member event. The mixer was actually pretty busy – easily the busiest social function I’ve hosted at The Clubhouse. Here’s the rundown:

• I avoided alcohol again to save my mouth

• I hosted the icebreaker game

• I mingled awkwardly with members

• I ran out of the door at 7:30 p.m.

While at the gym tonight, I had my slowest workout in recent memory. Well, at least the slowest sober workout in recent memory. We don’t count the stoned ones. By the time I began my schlep home, it was after 11 p.m.

Okay. I have a story.

Today at work, I was so bored that I ended up scamming my way into an online conversation with a guy I’ve never met. It all started when I began sifting through the “People You May Know” section on Facebook. For lack of a better phrase, I was essentially shopping for boyfriends. How sick is that? Ugh. Jesus. To be fair, it wasn’t so much “shopping for boyfriends,” as it was just me looking at cute boys. I’d scroll through the list, open attractive profiles in new browser tabs, and then go through them one by one. Sometimes, I’ll do the same thing with the guest list of an upcoming event. I like to see who’s going – and whether or not I should plan on marrying them. It’s all very innocent, really.

Anyway, a cute boy named Colin Crape popped up pon de Facebook list this afternoon. When I examined Colin’s profile further, I realized that he was actually really, really handsome. And yes, that is also his real surname. After noticing that we shared a couple of mutual friends – all good ones – I decided to take my creeping to the next level. Migrating to Instagram, I found the guy’s profile and liked a few of his photos. Done.

Now, that was all done at The Clubhouse. Here’s where the story gets interesting, though.

As I was getting off the subway at the gym, my phone began lighting up with Instagram notifications. Colin had liked a couple of my photos and started following me, too.

Oy. This is such a millennial story. Although it’s definitely bothering me to admit all of this, social media also seems to be the way you meet people these days. Oh, well. I must say, the Instagram notifications were surprising. Why? Because it meant the guy took notice. In what I assume can only be referred to as “millennial courtship,” I followed Colin back.

Once in the locker room, I felt as though I could push things even further. I kept looking at Colin’s pictures. I couldn’t stop thinking about how handsome he was. I’m talking about a thick head of hair, a strong face and jaw, and beautiful brown eyes. I needed to make a move! In classic Kurt fashion, I messaged Colin on Instagram.

Kurt: “Hey! Have we met before? Weird question, I know 🙈. But, I think maybe yes? I can’t remember. It’s bugging me lol”

Obviously, that was all a lie. I would’ve known if I had met the guy previously. However, I think that line is the perfect way to initiate a conversation with someone you don’t actually know. I mean, let’s not beat around the bush here. The whole process of how I came to message Colin was extremely fucking creepy. I won’t deny that for one second. At the same time, it’s very easy to gauge someone’s interest level based on their response. From there, you take the next best step.

Shortly after my Instagram message, I received a reply. Colin took the bait!

Colin: “Haha hey! I don’t think so...? 😅 But, I could be wrong”

Interesting response. Do you see what I mean? That type of reaction leaves room for me to swoop in and make a move. So, I did! After quickly burying my initial, “Have we met before?” storyline, I introduced myself. Colin followed suit, and we spent the next two hours chatting online until he went to bed. I told you I was at the gym late!

More to come, I’m sure. Fuck. I feel creepy. Kind of excited, too.

After all of that millennial tomfoolery, I returned to the Witch Cave and immediately jumped into bed.

Now, it’s almost 1 a.m. I need to call it a night. Good news, though. I didn’t eat anything tonight. Woohoo! Actually, it’s a double bonus. I successfully avoided food, and I’m stoned! Muahahahahah!

Goodnight xo

December 1 →