“Bleak” would probably be the best way to describe today. It’s well past 1:30 a.m. right now. After a 12-hour workday and a three-hour gym session, I’m finally at home and in bed.

From the moment I woke up this morning, which was actually on time, I felt low. Head down, dragging my ass around my apartment, down the stairs, across the street, through the subway system, and onto streetcar. I gazed out the window, staring into nothingness while listening to Mariah Carey belt out some ballads into my ears. What really sparked it all was getting on the scale again, only to see an even higher number than yesterday’s.

How is this happening to me? Obviously, it’s about the weight. A part of me feels like my out of control body represents so many other areas of my life, though. I feel like I am constantly trying or working towards something, only to see the opposite result of what I’m hoping for. It’s fucking garbage. I feel so defeated all the time.

I’m tired. I’m tired because I don’t get much sleep each night, but I’m also tired of spending all my time working on different things and not getting anywhere in my life. The worst part is that I’m not even focusing on all of the things I want to work on. I don’t know where to find the time. Between 40 hours at work, and gym time to help get my body and self-esteem back in check, I don’t have much time for other stuff. Even now, I’m forcing myself to stay awake because I want to focus on consistent journal entries. I feel helpless. Today was also a very gloomy day. The weather felt like a bit of a precursor to the impending seasonal depression that’s on its way. I need to get out of here.

Work was a bit of a joke. I knew I would be staying until 9 p.m. tonight, but still arrived at 9 a.m. because I can just take the time off another day. There was no need for me to be at The Clubhouse that early, though. I basically did nothing all day. I say that a lot, but I really mean it this time. I finished some small tasks in the morning. After about 90 minutes, it was over.

Big Bird left our office early for a meeting. During that time, I had lunch, watched Netflix, and took an hour-long nap underneath my desk. See? Ridiculous. I called Mom during this time too, which probably wasn’t the best idea given my mood. Mom had been hounding me with multiple messages, asking me to call her so that we could discuss “plans” for the weekend. So, that’s what I did. We talked in circles for half an hour while Mom rambled on about not knowing what she wanted to do. Seriously? I was not happy. I just sat there with the phone six inches from my ear while Mom went on and on about making plans that she didn’t want to go through with and blah, blah, blah.

We had the Membership Committee meeting tonight, which was fine. Those meetings aren’t exactly a lot of work, plus I get a free dinner out of them. I also successfully declined alcohol, which was a big thing for me. Typically, I would be half in the bag at that type of event. Free booze? When have I ever turned that down? It was different this time, though. I had no desire to drink whatsoever, to the point where I could actually feel my body bloating as I looked around the room at all of the full glasses. The meeting wrapped up at 9 p.m. I took transit to the gym, and stayed there until 12:30 a.m.

I don’t know if it makes sense to continue talking about how fat I feel. That’s where I’m at right now, though. I am so embarrassed to be in public. It’s killing me. This is all my fault. Somehow, I completely let myself go and allowed this to happen. Now, I’m paying the price. I didn’t think it would happen. I mean, I figured I would gain some weight due to my foot surgery and lack of exercise, but this is truly next level. I am so disappointed in myself. Especially because I still haven’t been able to get myself together after recovering from my surgery. That being said, my toe was still hurting tonight. There was a shooting pain in my right foot, to the point that I couldn’t run on it. I had to walk on the treadmill the entire time I was at the gym.

All I want is to return to a confident Kurt. I need to shake this depressive funk I’m in. I’ve also been purposely neglecting any and all body grooming. Why bother? It’s not as if I’m dating anyone. What’s the point in maintaining an attractive naked image? Perhaps I need to, though. Just for myself. I feel uglier than I have in a long time. Kate’s wedding was a nice confidence boost, but that faded as fast I wet the bed the same night.

Enough with the complaining. The only thing I can do now is continue working on things. I mean, really. That’s it. That’s all I can do. Maintain focus, and reach my goal. I’m fucking exhausted. With everything, and everyone.

Goodnight xo

@yalittlenasty Instagram post from early this morning.