Had a good meeting at the Gladstone Hotel this morning. MOMENTS: A Festive Night of Mimi ✨ is good to go! Exciting stuff.

Took my beat-up car to Scarborough afterwards to be fixed up and the bus driver (who hit me) drove me back downtown. Apparently, he runs a tour bus company and a body shop. Wonderful. Worked out and walked home. I’m so fucking sick right now. I feel horrible.

Ate at home and watched Mamma Mia, then “The Feeling” started coming over me. It’s like I’m living a nightmare. Honestly, it reminds me of this nightmare I used to have when I was a kid. I would be playing in a sandbox, and then all of the sudden I would be in a spaceship, blasting off into outer space. As I flew away, I would see my mom below me and knew I would never see her again. It’s hard to put the feeling of an anxiety attack into writing, because I don’t know what it feels like when I’m not going through one.

I sat in my bathroom and traced the veins on my arm with my fingernail. I’m so lonely. I don’t want to kill myself. I’m not suicidal. But, sometimes I wonder if many people would miss me? It’s like this dark cloud comes over me and everything seems inescapable. Then I get worried that there is something seriously wrong with my mental composition and the cycle continues. I feel crazy. I literally feel like a crazy person.

I put on some music and started bawling my eyes out. I started hitting my head, telling myself, “Be normal, stop this!” I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the cause is anymore. I’m so severely depressed, it’s really scaring me. Is it Logan? It can’t be. Today’s been one month since we met.

I go to bed each night wishing that the next day would come and be better. Then, I wake up and hope that the new day ends as fast as possible. I have no drive to do anything, even the stuff about the party, which I love doing. I feel like my spirit has been broken. I’m fun, I’m upbeat and funny. Why can’t I find that person anymore? I might have to go to the house for a few days. It’s been two nights since my last meltdown and it feels like weeks ago. Life is moving at a glacial pace and I’m drowning in its trail.

Goodnight xo