Had a good meeting at the Gladstone Hotel this morning. MOMENTS: A Festive Night of Mimi ✨ is good to go! Exciting stuff.
Took my beat-up car to Scarborough afterwards to be fixed up and the bus driver (who hit me) drove me back downtown. Apparently, he runs a tour bus company and a body shop. Wonderful. Worked out and walked home. I’m so fucking sick right now. I feel horrible.
Ate at home and watched Mamma Mia, then “The Feeling” started coming over me. It’s like I’m living a nightmare. Honestly, it reminds me of this nightmare I used to have when I was a kid. I would be playing in a sandbox, and then all of the sudden I would be in a spaceship, blasting off into outer space. As I flew away, I would see my mom below me and knew I would never see her again. It’s hard to put the feeling of an anxiety attack into writing, because I don’t know what it feels like when I’m not going through one.
I sat in my bathroom and traced the veins on my arm with my fingernail. I’m so lonely. I don’t want to kill myself. I’m not suicidal. But, sometimes I wonder if many people would miss me? It’s like this dark cloud comes over me and everything seems inescapable. Then I get worried that there is something seriously wrong with my mental composition and the cycle continues. I feel crazy. I literally feel like a crazy person.
I put on some music and started bawling my eyes out. I started hitting my head, telling myself, “Be normal, stop this!” I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the cause is anymore. I’m so severely depressed, it’s really scaring me. Is it Logan? It can’t be. Today’s been one month since we met.
I go to bed each night wishing that the next day would come and be better. Then, I wake up and hope that the new day ends as fast as possible. I have no drive to do anything, even the stuff about the party, which I love doing. I feel like my spirit has been broken. I’m fun, I’m upbeat and funny. Why can’t I find that person anymore? I might have to go to the house for a few days. It’s been two nights since my last meltdown and it feels like weeks ago. Life is moving at a glacial pace and I’m drowning in its trail.
Goodnight xo
Whenever something happens with a car I’m driving, my immediate reaction is to take as many pictures as I can. As if I’m going to need them later in court or something. I know absolutely nothing about cars. Scarborough, Ontario
Whoopsie! Scarborough, Ontario
“We're going to buff that out.” Scarborough, Ontario
Another gym picture. For the first time in my life, I’m starting to accept the body I see in the mirror. Pictures like these are simply a way to document my personal progress. I had no intention of sending them to anyone. Gym, Toronto
"The Winner Takes It All" - ABBA