Today was a better day. I had a good night’s sleep. Still feeling sick, but I had a relaxing morning, cleaned my apartment, and watched some Kathy Griffin. Laughter always makes me feel better. Obviously.
I did the usual gym routine, then decided I wanted to have some fun, so I went to see Sisters. Didn’t spend any money because I had a gift card, so it was a nice, guilt-free evening. I still had moments of anxiety, though. I felt a bit claustrophobic at times during the movie. To the point where I wanted to get up. I felt closed in and I didn’t like that. So stupid. There wasn’t even anyone sitting in the chair beside me.
At one point in the movie, Amy Poehler asked the guy what his biggest fear was. I asked myself that same question: “What’s your biggest fear, Kurt?” In that moment, what came to mind was “being alone.” That’s it. And I think this whole Logan situation has something to do with it. And that dream about the spaceship. I’m surrounded by millions of people in this huge city, yet I feel completely alone and isolated. Totally unnoticed. Invisible. And then I have Logan, who I’ve clearly developed extremely strong feelings for, and I can’t have him. And I wonder, “How many chances am I going to get? How many guys are there left for me before it’s all over and my single, soiled ass is rotting away at a raisin ranch while all my friends have their significant others and growing families?” It’s dramatic, but that’s me.
I know I do it to myself, too. I could have easily asked someone to go to the movie with me tonight, but I chose not to. I don’t know why. But, that “being alone” thought really struck me, and that’s exactly the anxious feeling I get. I know how to be rational about those thoughts.
I’m 25.
There are lots of guys to meet.
I’ve only known Logan for a month.
I have friends.
I have family.
I am so fortunate, and it all gets lost when I fall into that dark headspace and the walls begin to close in on me.
I walked home and went to bed after the movie. The thought I want to go to sleep on tonight is that I am so fortunate. I am. Things are hard right now, but they will get better. Better. They won’t return to how they were. There’s so much in store for me and I just have to keep going. I didn’t talk to Logan at all today.
Goodnight xo