Bryan was up and dressed this morning before I even opened my eyes. He had to leave around 10 a.m., but we talked and kissed a bit before he left.

While in bed, Bryan made a comment about my snoring, which I already knew he was aware of. I don’t think it’s a big issue for him, but obviously it’s on his radar. It certainly doesn’t bother me. Yeah, I snore. Big whoop. Sue me. Except, this is where my crazy kicks in, and I end up taking something so insignificant and comparing it to my time with Logan. We both snored. Logan and I complimented each other’s deep, unbothered sleeping habits. Ugh. I’m still so hung up on Logan. It’s so sad. Pathetic, really.

After Bryan left, I cleaned up the Witch Cave and performed my usual morning routine. Before I knew it, it was 2 p.m. and I needed to leave for the gym to beat the 5 p.m. rat race rush.

I applied to two jobs and made a couple of phone calls before I left my apartment. I don’t feel horrible about my unemployment situation right now. The only reason being that I have enough money in the bank right now to keep me safe. It’s always about the money.

I stupidly got stoned again today before walking to the gym. I have to stop doing that. I honestly feel like crap for the rest of the day when I blaze in the afternoon. I suppose it didn’t help that today’s weather was gloomy as all hell, but Mary Jane consistently brings my productivity to a complete halt. My normal workout routine can also become a massive struggle when I’m high. At least, it was today. I finished everything, though. I always do.

I returned to the Witch Cave after the gym and had dinner. Bryan came over around 8:30 p.m. with a bottle of wine, and surprised me with a bouquet of flowers. They were to congratulate me on MOMENTS. He also bought me a new $50 S’well bottle, because he left mine in a cab yesterday. Fuck. I loved that thing. It was special edition, man! I’m going to try and find a replacement. I’m kind of pissed. Oh, well. Whatever. It was very considerate of him to buy me a new one right away, though. Not to mention, the flowers were beautiful. Purple tulips. I love them.

Bryan and I watched Death Becomes Her tonight. One of my all-time favorites. Always good for a laugh. However, I don’t know if it was my weird, post-high state of mind, the wine, or the popcorn haze, but I found myself somewhat disengaged tonight. I wasn’t that into any of it. “It” being Bryan.

Let’s cut the shit here. I don’t actually think it’s any of the above. I think the reality is that I’m not all that interested in Bryan anymore. I’m making excuses. Why am I lying to myself in my own goddamn journal?

Bryan and I were making out on my bed after the movie. All I could think about in that moment was how much I didn’t want to be making out. Honestly, this ranting could all just be a result of my mood right now. I’m feeling very bloated. But, still. I feel so bad.

I don’t want to hurt Bryan. He’s such a great guy. Yet, I know this is not a long-term thing for me. The result of those thoughts is an overwhelming sense of guilt whenever I’m with Bryan. I’m not focused on him. I think of Logan all the time. There’s a big part of me that doesn’t want to let Bryan too deep into my life, because of how bad I was hurt the last time I allowed that to happen with a guy.

Bryan didn’t sleep over tonight. He needed to go home and pack, as he’s leaving for Saskatchewan tomorrow morning. He’s visiting his family there until April 11. That means I have some time for space, which I also think is needed right now. I’ve seen Bryan three nights in a row this week. I’m on relationship overload right now.

I wanted to get Bryan a little something for his plane ride tomorrow, but I also didn’t want to start sending mixed messages, considering I’ll probably break things off soon after he gets back. Maybe I won’t. Maybe the break will be good.

The weird thing is that this situation feels very familiar to me. The exact same thing happened two years ago with another actor I dated – Lucas. What’s even weirder is that it was around this time of year, too. Why must history repeat itself? And why must I keep facilitating it? All I want in my life is a good job that makes me happy, to be satisfied with myself, and to be comfortable, yet constantly stimulated by my partner. I’m lacking all three.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how life works in mysterious ways. What’s the one thing that I’ve wished for every night since I was twelve-years-old? To be skinny. To lose weight and be thin. That’s what I’ve always wanted, more than anything else in my life. I’ve prayed for it every single night since I can remember. Well, I may not be “skinny,” but I’ve definitely slimmed down in recent months. And how have I achieved this newfound figure? By not having full-time employment, and having the spare time to go to the gym almost every day of the week. I got what I wanted. But, at what cost?

There’s a bright side to everything, I suppose. A silver-lining, which I’m trying really hard to find these days.

Goodnight xo