Goddamn. The hangover was real.

I only had to be at work for 6 p.m. tonight, so I spent most of the day trying to get my life together.

After last weekend’s successful adventure with acetaminophen, I popped a Tylenol this morning and instantly felt better. I was very fucked up, but not in the typical hangover sense. Over-stimulated might be the right word. Inexplicably hyper.

I must have spent at least 30-minutes standing in front of my closet mirror this morning, pretending I was the 1998 Mariah Carey #1’s album cover. Fully posed, legs out, on my tippy toes, wearing nothing but my underwear – the whole deal. I even took a picture and sent it to a ton of friends. I guess it was somewhat risqué but, mostly, I just thought it was funny.

I didn’t send my album cover photo to Tito this morning. That’s because, upon waking, I discovered a long iMessage chain from 3 a.m. last night, which I didn’t remember engaging in. Tito was upset that I had left Business Woman’s Special without saying goodbye.

Tito: “You home?”

Kurt: “Yes”

Tito: “Ok, why didn’t you reply before so I could say bye?”

Kurt: “Because you were flirting with that guy”

Tito: “???? What guy”

Kurt: “I don’t know. Near the DJ. You were on him.”

Tito: “I was literally with Michelle the whole time. There was no guy.”

Two minutes later…

Tito: “Lol ok good night Kurt”

Kurt: “I was washing my face. Calm down. But, there was definitely a man that you were flirting with that was on the verge of...underwear.”

Tito: “Lol I’m gonna assume you’re just drunk, because there was no guy I talked to except my friend Justin.”

Kurt: “Okay”

So, that happened. Apparently. I wasn’t sure how I wanted to handle the damage control on such a mess, so I left it to marinate for a while. The slew of responses to the Mariah Carey photo I sent out kept me busy for a couple of hours, as did cleaning my apartment.

The Witch Cave was a mess this morning. I’ve failed to mention that I pissed the fucking bed last night, too. Fully soaked. Obviously, I was a lot more messed up than I thought. Well, correction. I knew I was messed up. But, maybe things got worse once I arrived home? I guess? Maybe? My point is, I was fucked. Well, not literally. The last time I had sex was with that skid mark from Sweet Grass, Montana.

I talked to my friend Greg from New York City all morning. Actually, we talk just about every day now. Something about our connection is so different from other guys. Greg and I both understand that we likely aren’t romantically compatible. However, we can still recognize and appreciate our many similar interests. Greg is so easy to talk to. I think that’s because we are very alike in our “humorous shell, sensitive inside” personalities. Greg just gets it.

Now, going back to the picture I took of myself in the mirror. The Mariah Carey album pose. I actually looked damn good. Maybe it was the mirror, or perhaps the lack of food in my stomach, but I didn’t hate the photo. I guess that’s why I sent it to people. I’ve spent so much of my past hiding behind hoodies and oversized t-shirts, all because I was embarrassed over how I looked. Those insecurities are still very much present in my life, but maybe they’re beginning to fade away. Slowly.

Eventually, I packed up my stuff – including bed sheets – and went to Casa Z. Tito began texting me along the way, which then led to another conversation that was drawn out over the entire day.

Tito: “Hey”

Kurt: “Hey. Hay is for horses.”

Tito: “🐴 How you feelin’ today?”

Kurt: “I’m fine! I was drunk, but I stand by what I said lol”

Tito: “Allllllright that’s what I was texting you about. I really have no idea who you’re talking about, because I was with my girl behind the DJ the whole time and any guy I was talking to there is a friend of mine, but I also don’t know what you want? You never hit me up to hang out, but you were upset with me last night? I feel mixed signals.”

Kurt: “You’re right. I’ll drop it. Sorry.”

Tito: “Ball’s in your court.”

That’s where the exchange ended. Tito should have known better than to use a football reference on me. Naturally, 40-minutes later, I received another text.

Tito: “Movie this week? Or something”

Well, that was a quick change of heart. Tito went from essentially telling me to get my shit together – which wouldn’t be the first time – to now asking me if I wanted to see a movie. Is that a date? What does a movie outing mean these days? I’m so confused.

It took me a while to respond to anything Tito sent me. I really am conflicted on this whole thing. Nine hours later, when I finally acknowledged Tito’s text about the movie, I made sure to stand my ground. I know that I’m sending mixed signals. I don’t know what I want from Tito, and I freely admitted that to him. However, it’s not exactly like Tito has laid everything he wants out on the table in plain sight, either. So, how is it fair for him to say that the ball is in my court? Tito is sending just as many mixed signals. Isn’t he? Or is my radar short circuiting? Tito and I made plans for Wednesday. We’re going to see a movie.

As soon as I got to Casa Z this afternoon, I sparked up. I got really stoned in my bedroom, listened to music, and made an Instagram video about being high, which I highly doubt anybody understood. After a short nap, I popped a Panic Pill and went to The Store to finish up the inventory count from 6 p.m. to 11 p.m.

As with yesterday’s shift, tonight at The Store wasn’t that bad. Actually, seeing some of the girls at work was pretty nice. So many of them have left, or work their shifts on an opposite schedule, so it’s nice when we’re all together. Considering they’re still dropping like flies, I don’t think there will be many more opportunities for our little reunions.

Having worked with The Store for over seven years, I enjoy the nostalgia that comes along with my job. While I’ll admit that the odd shift is enjoyable, it’s never been about the work itself. It’s my co-workers and those interactions that have kept me at The Store for so long. I think that’s part of my current predicament, too. While I still love the people, I feel as though I’ve maxed out my learning opportunities at The Store. I’m not growing anymore, and haven’t been for a long time. It’s frustrating. I want to be doing bigger and better things.

I drove back to Casa Z after work and spent the night. I also made a disgustingly large plate of chicken fingers, which I ate while very stoned in my bed.

As I said before, the conversation with Tito (above) happened throughout the day. I was still exchanging messages with him as I ate my chicken in bed. And here I was, thinking I had made it through a weekend without pissing anyone off! So close.

I’m not sure what will happen with Tito. Although, sometimes the answer to a predicament like ours has a way of presenting itself. Tito and I have such a weird history together – in a good way. I value our connection, and I don’t want to throw it all away. If things work out between us, great. If not, as least I’ll have given it a proper shot. Sort of like when I dated my friend Mark O’Doyle for a bit. You’ll never know unless you give it a go.

For the most part, I think I avoided the Hangover Blues today. I’m still having these restless flashbacks about New York City and Logan, though. Little things that pass through my mind and bring me down. At times, it can be something as simple as the way Logan would say a certain word. It’s fucked up. Sad, really.

I talked to Bryan for a while tonight. It will be interesting to see how things are when he returns from Saskatchewan tomorrow. The truth is, I just don’t find our situationship to be all that stimulating. Like, I don’t want to talk about his fucking acting auditions anymore. That’s what it’s like in so many areas of my life, though. I have a hard time faking an interest in things. I’m certainly capable of it, but obviously it’s not something I enjoy doing. I also have trouble “faking it” for extended amounts of time. Making small talk with a stranger is one thing. I really shouldn’t be forcing myself to carry on a conversation with someone I’m dating.

I’m lonely.

Goodnight xo