My short, 9 a.m. shipment shift at The Store turned into a full workday, after one of the girls arrived on her death bead this morning and couldn’t pull through. Sickie went home early, and I stayed to cover her hours on the sales floor. Fuuuuuuck. It was a long day. Not to mention, I had finished all of my food by 11:30 a.m. I couldn’t work under those conditions!
Today at The Store was pretty brutal. Nothing out of the ordinary, though. Just your typical retail sales shift. By that, I mean engaging with customers and trying to make an effort – albeit, as little as possible – only to have them hear me, look at me, and then walk away without any other sort of acknowledgment. Tough crowd.
I need to leave The Store. I know this, but I can’t do it. I’m not financially stable enough. This is a part of the reason why I feel trapped. I have actually come to literally dread walking into The Store. I am so miserable there. The Store has now become my personal circle of Hell. It’s like going to work in Hell with Satan every day. Oh, and don’t get me started on the Town of Newmarket and the swamp creatures that lurk within its farmland borders. Fuck, man.
I feel trapped, because I know I can’t leave The Store. There needs to be some form of income in my life, and this is all I have right now. If I left, I’d have nothing. My small amount of savings wouldn’t last long, given my $1000 per month rent and utilities.
What would I have if I left The Store? Well, I’d have more time. One of the problems I’m finding lately is that with shifts at The Store happening so frequently, other items on my to-do list are taking a backseat. This is very typical with a retail job. By the time I’m done with a day at The Store and the draining effects of a customer service role, I have absolutely zero energy to do anything else. I spend over eight hours a day working on someone else’s dream, only to come home and be too tired to focus on my own goals.
I got home from work at 6 p.m. tonight. I’m staying at Casa Z again. After a very fast dinner, I went downtown to grab clothes and laundry from the Witch Cave, and then returned to the house. I’m putting in a lot of hours at The Store this week, so I’m setting up camp at Casa Z for a while. I’m worried, though. This is exactly what happened last November and December. After too many hours at The Store, I went off the handle. I don’t want to reach that point of contention with them again. It’s just this creature that consumes me. The Retail Monster. Maybe I need to bite the bullet and finally quit.
Damn. I’m stoned right now. I just zoned out for a good few minutes to contemplate a quitting plan. It’s so complicated, though.
Anyway, once I was back at Casa Z for the night, I did some laundry, worked out until 11 p.m., and then went upstairs and crawled into bed.
I listened to The Emancipation of Mimi album all day today. A fucking amazing album. It’s so weird. I remember the first time I really listened to that album in its entirety, on repeat. It was at the beginning of 2013, at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Punta Cana, and the RX breakup still felt so fresh. I associate so much of Emancipation with that time in my life – Punta Cana especially, which is an odd pairing – but I find the music still relates to feelings and situations that are currently happening in my life. It’s the magic of Mimi, I suppose.
Another wide range of emotions today. Verge of tears, super happy, and also wanting to hang myself from the steel rafters in the back room of The Store. We’ll just call it Thursday.
I thought about Logan a lot today. I can absolutely see how outrageous I’m being with that situation. It’s actually beginning to annoy even me. I cannot believe how much I’m obsessing over Logan. Unless I have some sort of closure, I don’t know if I will ever be able to get over this.
Moira Nightingale says that closure must come from inside myself. Once I take what I can from a situation, learn, and move away from the negativity entirely – including deleting Logan from my phone – then I will have found my closure. The problem is, I’m having trouble suppressing the anger that I feel towards Logan.
I feel as though my mind has become an endless game of Whack-A-Mole. One emotion pops up, I shove it down and away, and then that negativity pops up in another area of my life. How can I make Logan go away permanently? I want to fucking scream at him. I’m so angry that someone screwed me over the way he did. I’m angry at myself for revealing so much of myself to Logan, too. For trusting him. For opening up. For making excuses for him. I want Logan to know that what he did to me was mean. It was hurtful, and I want Logan to realize how much pain he has caused me. Jesus Christ. Why am I so psychotic?
This is where I become somewhat rational. I think to myself, “We saw each other over a period of two months.” It’s fucking insane of me to think that what Logan and I had was something so strong. Yet, even if it wasn’t – if I was 100% completely delusional and the connection I felt wasn’t true – why would Logan admit to being shitty? Why would Logan tell me he wanted to talk about his behavior, but then never call? I don’t know.
I’m tired. I work at 7 a.m. tomorrow, which is a fucking joke. A test from Satan, I’m sure of it. Goodnight to all. You all. Y’all, y’all, y’all….
Wait a minute. I just thought this now. Oh, my God.
Was everything that happened before my February visit – Logan completely ending things? Did I totally miss that cue? Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking God! I think I did. And Logan only let me come visit him in New York City out of pity. And he fucking played me while I was there. Logan did all of that romantic stuff because he felt guilty. Because he felt guilty? Would someone do that? No. I don’t know. No. Wait. Fuck. Logan was so blatant about us not being a long-term thing, though.
I have never experienced this before. I feel a complete mix of emotions. I think it’s because I’ve received so many mixed signals from Logan. I don’t know how a person I thought was so genuine and honest with me about everything, could then go and cut me off completely without even a decent goodbye.
Okay. N.A.P.
Notice. Accept. Proceed.
Proceed to your motherfucking slumber.
“I don’t get no sleep, I’m up awake
Can’t stop thinking of you and me
And everything we used to be
And could have been so perfect
Still I cry”
Goodnight xo
@yalittlenasty Instagram post from late tonight.
"Crybaby" - Mariah Carey