Despite the Jurassic Park footsteps rumbling outside my bedroom and throughout the house all morning, I finally managed to sleep in. Loved it.
Slowly started my day, but – oh, fuck. Wait a minute.
I thought I did so much in terms of work today, but now I’m realizing that I only applied to one job. It was a new position at Snapchat’s LA office. But, still. I should be applying to jobs in Toronto first. I should also be applying to more than one per day. Oy.
Anyway, that happened. The rest of my day was essentially a continuous loop of eating, working, and doing laundry until about 4 p.m. Around that time, I decided I wanted to blaze. Of course, that ended up being a very stupid decision, as I didn’t leave enough time for my high to wear off.
Tonight was Amanda’s going away dinner celebration at Jack Astor’s. After three years of working together at The Store, Amanda landed a big girl job at another company and is moving away. Lucky bitch. I’ve lost track of how many goodbye dinners I’ve gone to for those kids.
The group’s dinner reservation was at 6:30 p.m., so I had some time to get myself together. I tried to sleep off my high. When that didn’t work, I took a shower and began getting ready to leave the house. Still, nothing was helping.
I was so fucking stoned while driving to the restaurant. I don’t want to do it anymore. Driving while high, I mean. I actually skidded around a corner tonight. Oh, and I accidentally rolled through a stop sign in a subdivision. It was a mess. I was a mess.
I’m actually high again right now. This needs to stop. I began thinking today – was it weed that made it all go downhill? I started smoking regularly at the beginning of 2012. I was getting stoned all the time back then. Coincidentally, that’s around the time when I really started to lose focus on my life, too.
I washed my pipe out tonight. I don’t want to smoke anymore. In fact, I want to see how long I can go without my pot. It’s an experiment. That’s what we’ll call it. An experiment to see if I can regain some of my focus and drive. I wasn’t even supposed to be smoking while unemployed. I thought I made that clear in January! I already knew this was a bad combo.
Amanda’s goodbye dinner was a bit of a joke. Not only did half of the guest list bail, but I was seated directly across from Alicia and her husband. Yes. My boss and her British hubby – whose accent I can’t understand. I was so baked that I couldn’t even make eye contact with Alicia for most of the dinner.
I ended up talking with Stephanie for most of the night, which was perfectly fine by me. I love that girl. I could have done without Amanda constantly interjecting from across the table, but it was what it was.
Amanda actually cried at one point during her dinner tonight. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure how to comfort her, as I’m so over The Store. When I quit, I’m going to take my last check and run like Forrest Gump. But, tonight was Amanda’s going away – not mine. I tried to be a bit more sensitive. Between you and me, I really didn’t give a shit.
Naturally, I lost all of my drive when I blazed tonight. I didn’t work out after dinner as planned. Instead, I baked brownies, pigged out on two ice cream sundaes, watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and smoked more weed. Good one, Kurt.
Bryan called me tonight. I missed the call, but rang him back later and we talked about our days. Jesus, it was fucking boring. I was literally trying to silently eat ice cream as Bryan went on and on about some acting thing. The whole time I just kept wishing that I could go back to watching Netflix.
I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. I don’t want this. I’m feeling obligated again. When I feel obligated, I feel guilty. And that’s because I know that I can’t fulfill my relationship duties genuinely. Dating has become a forced effort for me. I’m kind of over this now.
Maybe this is the smoke talking. I don’t know. Most of my journal entries this week were written while I was stoned, actually. Damn. I want to get back on track. Weed stops tomorrow. 100%. Drinking will be curbed as well. Typically, food and gym habits improve when pot and booze are out of the picture.
I’m tired.
Goodnight xo