“For with each dawn, she found new hope that someday, her dreams of happiness would come true.”
I read that quote today while lurking around on the Internet. It’s from Cinderella. I love it. The idea that each new day brings with it the possibility for newfound happiness is what keeps me pushing through all of this crap.
In all honesty, nothing I’m going through right now is by any means the end of the world. Yes, a lot of it gets overwhelming at times. And I do believe that “struggle” is a relative term – i.e., what is difficult/trying for me, may be completely insignificant to someone else. However, at the end of the day, I know that things are going to be alright. I know this because: A) I have an incredible support system, and B) I’m very smart. I make stupid decisions sometimes. There’s no arguing that. But, I also have a lot of special gifts. I know that those unique talents will guide me through whatever hell I’m going through. I can do anything.
I suppose what stresses me out is my tendency to think too far into the future, and the resulting realization that perhaps I won’t live the superstar life I’ve always dreamed of. But, maybe I will. I don’t know. And maybe that’s not important. I don’t want to analyze anymore. I just want to focus on today, and put all of my energy into the present moment(s). So, that’s what I did today. I managed to line up another job interview, and hopefully laid the groundwork for an upcoming application at The Toronto Film Group. Today was actually a pretty good day.
I did my job search stuff, cleaned up, worked out, relaxed, and then worked a shift at The Store from 5 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. Once again, I didn’t do much work. I spent the majority of the night on my phone. However, there was one customer who came in that I ended up helping for quite a while. An elderly woman, who broke my heart. It doesn’t happen often at The Store, but I almost wanted to cry.
The lady, likely in her mid-70s, was shopping for her granddaughter in Nova Scotia, who she was going to be visiting next week. As grandmas do, she wanted to get the little girl everything in the store. It was cute, and I liked helping her pick things out. However, it soon became clear that the woman was a bit slow. Not mentally – she was all there – but, physically. With shaky hands and a slurred speech, it was obvious that she was experiencing the onset of a debilitating disease. It absolutely broke my heart.
Helping the grandma at The Store, I began to think of Mai-Mai. I thought about how much I wish she was still here. How I wish I would have been more patient with her at times. How I wish I could have shown her more of who I was then, and who I am now. Most of all, I thought about time. How precious time is, and how it can all be taken away so quickly. I miss Mai-Mai so much.
Tonight’s encounter with the elderly woman was also a real wake-up call for me to stop being such an asshole at home. My parents aren’t going to be around forever, and lately I haven’t been the best with them. I’m impatient, short, testy, angry, and generally unpleasant when I’m around them. It needs to stop. I know I’m dealing with my own issues, but that’s no excuse. There will always be crap to deal with in life. I’m just going to have to get used to it. I don’t want to wake up one day, and have it be too late.
After work, I went straight home to Casa Z. I ate some food, talked with Mom for a bit about Kate’s bridal shower, then washed up and went to bed.
I thought a lot about Logan today. It’s been about a month since we’ve talked. Actually, just short of a month. Today marks one month since MOMENTS, which feels like six years ago. Crazy. When it comes to Logan, it’s really taking a conscious effort to shut down those thoughts. It’s similar to how it was with RX when we first broke up. That shutdown also includes actively avoiding the things I know will set me off – i.e., social media. I wish I didn’t have to do it. I wish I could let go, and be happy.
Goodnight xo
Good morning from Princess Tabitha. P.S. – I sleep on Dr. Seuss sheets. Kurt’s Bedroom, Casa Z