Woke up bright and early at 6 a.m. for work. Not only did I get to The Store on time today, but my shift wasn’t half bad either. Maybe it was because I took a Panic Pill before going in.
That being said, I think this will be my last month at The Store. I’m torn, though. I need the small amount of money that the shifts are bringing in, but I also don’t want the added stress of dealing with a part-time retail job through the summer months. I already know scheduling will be a bit of a nightmare given all of the dates I’m going to need off. I just wish a big boy job would come through. I want my career to begin.
I processed a large shipment in the back room until about 12 p.m., then returned to Casa Z. Lucky for me, Mom was pulling pizzas out of the oven when I got home. After scarfing one down, I went upstairs to my room and slept until 3 p.m.
I did my workout after waking up, which was much harder than yesterday’s, then packed up my things and went downtown with Mom and Dad. They were going to a Toronto Raptors game tonight, and dropped me off at the Witch Cave on their way to the Air Canada Centre.
Sitting in the back seat of the car, I could feel that indescribable, weird sense of panic coming on again. It passed, and I proceeded to have dinner at my apartment while watching The Nanny. “The Feeling” returned soon after that.
I’m depressed about Logan again. So much of me wants to let go – and has to let go – but what scares me is the idea of living the rest of my life with the feeling of, “What if?” What could have been? Why did Logan do this to me? The thought of his rejection sends me into a complete panic.
To make matters worse, and what likely set off “The Feeling” in the first place, was the fact that I got another job rejection email on the way downtown tonight. I’ll just log that one way into my ever-growing collection. The job has to happen sometime, right? It just has to.
My anxiety was only growing worse as I sat alone at the Witch Cave, so I decided to go for walk. I needed some new running shoes and Converse, so I went to the Eaton Centre and paid a visit to my friend Jennifer, who works at Foot Locker. Jennifer said she would hook me up with a discount, but they were out of my size. Oh, well.
While at the mall, I began to feel very claustrophobic. I took another Xanax pill and began to walk home. Half way to the Witch Cave, my meds hit me hard. I stopped by Loblaws to pick up some groceries and felt like an absolute crazy person. I was having a very weird trip, wandering aimlessly through every single aisle of the store and eventually leaving with nothing but a carton of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
Back at the Witch Cave, I immediately felt calmer. Thank God for those pills. Although, I think I want new ones. Or, perhaps, stronger ones. Whatever I’m on right now isn’t all that great. I have to take at least two pills for any noticeable effect. I think I took three today, actually. My last one being just now before bed. I can’t really remember.
Comfortable in my pajamas, I ate my ice cream out of the carton and cleaned up my apartment. I even managed to do some meal prep for the next few days.
I talked to Bryan a bit today. I’m actually going to call him and say goodnight after I finish writing this.
I also messaged with my friend Greg today, which is beginning to get more and more bizarre as time goes on. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned Greg in a journal entry, but he’s a friend from New York City. I met him last December, the night before I met Logan. Weird, right? I didn’t really talk to Greg much after our initial meeting, but we reconnected in February through some texting while I was in Las Vegas, and have been casually chatting ever since. However, lately our conversations have become a lot more frequent.
Greg and I talked all day today. We have this weird digital chemistry, which I love. Greg just gets me. We share the same kind of obscure humor. I don’t even know what Greg is looking for, to be honest. He’ll tell me about his dates and stuff, so I think we’re just friends. I’m perfectly happy with that. Greg is so fun to talk to.
Things got a little deep with Greg this evening, though. Throughout the night, while he was drinking at a party, Greg opened up to me about a lot of stuff that I think he normally keeps to himself. Including the fact that his dad just died. I figured something was up when Greg went to a hospital in Texas multiple times last month, but he never elaborated when I asked for details. I felt so bad.
All I want is to help people. Moira Nightingale says that I can’t make people happy. Such an emotion is out of my control, and must come from inside a person. I suppose I agree with that to a certain extent. Still, I want provide an environment where people feel free to express themselves and, in turn, find their happiness. I want that for Greg. I told him that, too. Greg said that he was really touched by my consideration.
People go through fucking shitty times, and then keep all of those emotions bottled up. I sure as hell have. I still do. I don’t like sharing my darkness with others. And it fucking sucks, because all you really want is to be able to open up to someone and purge those feelings. Yet, the constant fear of judgment keeps you from doing so. I’ve tried to open up to people in the past, but they didn’t know how to handle what I had to say.
Everyone deserves a life of happiness. If I can make a difference in one person’s life, then I can die happy. At this point, I’m going to die poor and without any major achievements. But, I’m working on it! I know my own worth. Others just need to wake the fuck up and take notice as well. I’m looking at you – everyone!
Goodnight xo
Workin’ on my fitness. Gym, Casa Z
Another classic Sylvia Fine moment from The Nanny. Witch Cave, Toronto
Time for some new kicks. Witch Cave, Toronto
I knew my Panic Pills had messed me up when I found myself standing in the frozen desserts aisle, taking photos of the ice cream. Loblaws, Toronto
I love a sale. Loblaws, Toronto
Time for this Dairy Queen to go home. Loblaws, Toronto
I also had ABBA blaring through my headphones for most of the evening.
"Dancing Queen" - ABBA
Walking to the Witch Cave from the grocery store with my ice cream in tow. Church-Wellesley Village, Toronto