Lexapro and I woke up naked on my couch, well before Lauryn had even opened her eyes. We chatted for quite a while, actually getting to know one another in the process. What a concept! To be fair, the two of us did talk a fair amount last night. However, alcohol was involved. As a result, this morning was a mix of asking more questions, and also re-asking the same ones from last night, because I couldn’t remember half of what Lexapro had said.
As it turned out, Lexapro was actually an incredibly intelligent guy. That is such a turn on for me. You can’t fuck a dumbass. I mean, you can. You shouldn’t date them, though. You also shouldn’t date actors, dancers, or performers of any kind – as we confirmed for the 715th time with Bryan.
Anyway, Lexapro told me about his work. Somehow, he had come up with this technology program or application thing for small businesses to effectively market their inventory through third-party websites. It was really interesting. I love hearing smart people talk. It’s seriously such a turn on!
In what was perhaps the most shocking of this morning’s revelations, Lexapro told me that he was 33. What! The guy looked like he was my age, if not younger. That’s when the business stuff – along with the fact that Lexapro owns both a truck and a house – made more sense. Not to mention the fact that Lexapro’s brother was pushing 40, and that he had two nieces. Ah, I felt so young!
We fooled around a lot this morning. To the point that I was often listening to Lexapro answer my questions from between his legs. I was also on the receiving end of this morning’s fun, and naturally I was as hard as a rock the entire time. However, I found it ironic that my actual Lexapro medication was fucking around with me, too. As if my genital mutilation and lack of sensitivity – otherwise known as a circumcision – weren’t enough, my anti-depressant has made it almost impossible for me to climax when I’m with another person. With Lexapro doing his thing downtown for what felt like an hour or more, I began to realize that there was an even lower chance of me coming than normal – and that’s dangerously low to begin with. Lexapro seemed to be in the same boat, though. Except, instead of not being able to finish, Lexapro couldn’t even get it started.
As Lexapro was clearly struggling to reach full mast, I began thinking about what Phillip’s friend Tommy had said to me during our sangria chat on Wednesday night. Tommy admitted to me that he had also been on an anti-depressant for a while, and had similar performance issues when it came to sex. In fact, that was the main reason he got off the meds. However, Tommy’s anxiety still remained, and would rear its flaccid head every time he was hooking up with someone. I found that very interesting.
Over the past couple of years, I have encountered numerous men who could not maintain a steady erection. It’s totally a thing. Logan, Ashton, Nate, and so many other guys just couldn’t keep it up. Since that’s never been a problem for me, I often don’t know how to deal with it. It’s a big fucking bummer! When I asked Tommy what I should do when faced with such a conundrum, he explained the issue to me from his point of view.
Tommy told me that the best thing to say is, “Next time.” Apparently, something as simple as that takes the pressure off the guy. It lets them know that it’s not their one and only shot to score. Better yet, that relief of pressure is sometimes enough to let the guy relax so that, after a little while, they regain their confidence and are ready to try again.
I took Tommy’s advice this morning. Guess what? He was right. That’s exactly what happened with Lexapro. Thanks, Tommy!
Finally relaxed, Lexapro’s blood started flowing. Tents were pitched, and round two had successfully commenced. By the way, Lexapro had a massive head. I’m not talking about the one on his shoulders, either. The thing was so big that his foreskin couldn’t cover it until he was soft again. It was a good dick. Lexapro’s ass was amazing, too. Maybe one of the best I’d ever seen. How do you even get a butt like that? It was like a porn butt. Oh, and speaking of asses, Lexapro ate me out. Talk about a rarity!
A lot happened this morning, and it all went down while Lauryn was fast asleep in my bed – maybe ten feet away from Lexapro and I on the couch. The Witch Cave is that small. The whole thing reminded me of my Florida days. Hooking up with RX on plastic mattresses in those small dorm rooms. Ah, Orlando. God love ya! You keep me young.
Anyway, that was that. Lexapro left my place around 10 a.m., at which point I jumped on top of Lauryn and began riding her like a mechanical bull. Time to giddy up, girl! We got our things together, packed up the car, and drove out to Niagara Falls, New York for the day. The car’s air conditioning is eternally broken, and the traffic was a fucking mess, but we still managed to make it to the US and back in one piece. Possibly a lighter piece, considering the amount of bodily fluids we sweated out into the car seats. I’m sure the unlimited salad and breadsticks at Olive Garden replenished our electrolytes, though.
“We love bread! We just love it!”
Back in Toronto, Lauryn and I stopped at the Witch Cave, grabbed our things, and drove up to Casa Z for the night. Phillip will likely join us tomorrow, so that should be interesting. Phillip’s being a bit of a prick with Lauryn, though. He’s completely blowing off her messages. I know Phillip doesn’t like to communicate through text, but he better not fuck Lauryn over. I will be pissed. We’ll see what happens when they’re together in person, but I can tell that it bothers Lauryn.
Completely exhausted from our day, I collapsed on the family room couch in front of the TV and passed out. Lauryn worked in the spare bedroom for a bit. Later, we reconvened with Mom and Dad, and the four of us had dinner together in the kitchen, staying at the table to talk afterwards.
Lauryn is so awesome. The girl is probably one of the best house guests that Casa Z has ever seen, as she is completely self-sufficient. You know when people come over to your house, and you feel the need to be “on” all the time? As if they are looking for constant entertainment? It’s not like that with Lauryn. It’s like she’s one of the family, and it shows. For example, I can be downstairs watching TV, and she can be working on something in her room. Or, I can leave the dinner table because I’m bored of the conversation, and Lauryn can continue having an hour-long discussion with Dad as I continue watching TV in another room. I wasn’t being rude! I had a lot of Chelsea episodes to catch up on, and also went the entire day without my phone because I was driving. There was Grinding to be done!
Things winded down after dinner. I was so exhausted and dehydrated that, after Chelsea, I went up to bed and left my sister, Lauryn, in the TV room downstairs. I smoked a lot of weed, and drifted into a haze while looking at Instagram profiles of my old high school classmates. My last thoughts of the night being, “God, I really hope this person gets fat one day.”
Goodnight xo
About to cross into New York from Canada. Rainbow Bridge, Niagara Falls
“Oprah - I Love Bread” - YouTube