I ended up rising from the dead around 10:30 a.m. this morning, which was somewhat ridiculous considering the amount of sleep I got last night. I’m not complaining. I wanted the rest. However, it just goes to show how intense yesterday’s Love-In was. Although I didn’t pass out in the park as I did last year, I likely smoked and drank way more this year. I also took a Xanax.
Today was definitely a slow start. Much to my surprise, I had managed to clean up my apartment pretty well after stumbling home from the park last night, which meant I didn’t wake up to a huge mess. I relaxed in bed, made breakfast, masturbated, and texted boys on Grindr as I figured out what I wanted to do with my day.
I woke up to a message from RX. He was finally responding to the Clubhouse Pride party invitation that I had sent him three days ago. RX said that he had a busy day at work, and that his recent move was – whatever.
Honestly, I can’t remember what RX said. That’s probably due to the fact that I barely read his message before deleting it. Fuck that. Sending RX an invitation to a work event took a lot on my part. In the four years since we broke up, we haven’t even come close to that kind of social interaction. For RX to not even have the common courtesy to respond to my message in a timely manner was disrespectful.
After we had broken up, RX and I continued to argue a lot about stupid things. I’ll always remember something RX told me during one of those petty arguments: “It’s not fair that you hold me to a higher standard than your other friends.”
Well, too fucking bad! Not everyone can just invite their exes to work functions like it’s no big deal. This was a big deal for me. I don’t know why I continue to put myself through this garbage. Today with RX was a moment I would like to press delete on.
After I finally managed to get my ass dressed and splash some water on my face, I left the Witch Cave. The plan was to stop by the Eaton Centre for a couple of errands, and then continue walking to Kyle and Alison’s place to hang out and play Nintendo 64.
Well, that plan back-fired. Barely two minutes after I had hobbled out of my cave, the skies opened up. It became a complete monsoon outside. I was so fucked. I’m not allowed to get my foot wet! I put a sock on, wedged a flip flop on top of that, and then limped back to my apartment with a soggy foot as fast as I could. Shit. I ended up getting high off of the last joint I had from yesterday, and eventually it was dry enough outside for me to attempt my journey again.
After my errands, I made it to Kyle and Alison’s house. Kyle and I smoked weed almost right away, and then played N64 for a long time, which was really, really fun. Despite my complete lack of Mario Kart skills whilst stoned, old video games are the only video games. Later, the three of us were joined by Kyle and Alison’s dull as fuck friend, Mary. I tried to converse with the girl, but she was so boring. I couldn’t even pretend to care about the monotone ramblings flowing out of her gap.
Ready for some fresh air, the group walked to Queen Street East so we could try out the new Sweet Jesus location. It was amazing, as usual. I mean, ice cream is always incredible. However, it’s especially delicious when you’re high. Something about the cold of the ice cream and the crunch from the chocolate is just so – mmm! Fuck. Now I want a scoop. Ice cream is so good!
The group’s post-snack plan was to see a movie. As we started walking back into the downtown core towards the theater, I realized the time. It was now nearing 6:30 p.m., and I had reached my daily limit for social interaction. I was over it. I wanted to be back at my apartment. I don’t know why I get like this. It’s not like I had a ton of excitement to return home to. I just wanted some quiet time.
I stopped by Chipotle on my walk home. After getting the same burrito, chips, and guacamole order as yesterday, I then hobbled home and stuffed my gullet on the couch while finishing Back to the Future and blazing with the small amount of weed I had left.
Sufficiently stoned, the munchies then reared their ugly head. I finished a bowl of popcorn, a carton of ice cream, and a bag of Goldfish crackers. Of course, such binging was then followed by the standard emotional low that I reach every night this happens. Lazy. I don’t want to get off the couch. I feel sorry for myself. Mad at myself for losing control. Disappointed in myself for not exercising. Completely lethargic. I don’t want to move. I just feel like – what is the point?
I think about my new job a lot. Why should I bother pushing through the job thing when I know that I don’t enjoy my work? Even though I don’t like my new job, I know that I have to make some money. Money is what will allow me to get away.
I want to leave. I want to pack up, get the fuck out, and go on an adventure. This mindset likely has a lot to do with the fact that Kyle and Alison are both going on adventures of their own. I’m jealous. Kyle is going to buy a motorcycle and ride around the US and Canada. Wherever the road takes him. Alison is getting ready to embark on a long backpacking trip through Europe in the fall.
I know that I’ve had my own adventures. I want more, though. Nothing makes me want to travel more than sitting in a dark office, endlessly punching numbers for a club whose main purpose is catering to the ridiculous wants and needs of spoiled rich people. It’s disgusting. A part of me feels like I’m selling out by working at The Clubhouse. Maybe not selling out. I mean, my morals aren’t exactly exemplary. Perhaps it’s more like settling.
All of this being said, I still know that I need an income to move forward. That’s what I’m trying to make happen right now. I just can’t get too wrapped up in this job. I don’t want to lose sight of what I really want in life.
I want to write. I want an adventure. I want to teach people by sharing my stories and experiences with them, and learn about the experiences and stories of others at the same time. The world is too big for me to stay in one place. The more that I wait, the more time that I waste.
Goodnight xo
Drenched. Witch Cave, Toronto
A soggy moment. Witch Cave, Toronto
“Through the Rain” - Mariah Carey
Sweet Jesus, that was good ice cream. The Beaches, Toronto
“Jump” - Madonna