Woke up early to get ready for a very full day.
First stop: Moira Nightingale.
This morning I went to my first ever therapy session. It had been a long time coming, so I was pretty excited about the whole thing. I drove north of the city, feeling great the entire time. Just in a generally positive mood. I’m not sure why, either. I’m not complaining, but I’m always a little skeptical when I feel that way for no apparent reason.
Eventually, I arrived at the address Moira Nightingale had sent me. Imagine my surprise when it was located deep within a housing subdivision. Weird. The meet-and-greet process was a little jarring at first, having arrived on the front porch of a random, semi-detached house in the suburbs, but Moira Nightingale was very warm and welcoming. I felt comfortable right away, which I definitely appreciated. We moved into the converted living room space at the front of the house, and wasted no time diving right into things.
Moira Nightingale – I’m still only referring to her by both names – asked me what I felt my three main problems were. Why had I come to see her?
“Work, relationships, and body image issues,” I said, without missing a beat.
Moira Nightingale seemed a bit surprised at the last one, which in turn surprised me, but my stretch marks were perhaps the least important of the three problems I gave her. I wasn’t too concerned about discussing my body dysmorphia today.
We talked a lot about my work and relationship issues, with the focus of the latter obviously being Logan. Moira Nightingale was nurturing, but firm at the same time. I loved that. I didn’t want to see a shrink who was going to mince words, but I also didn’t want to leave my first therapy session feeling ripped to shreds.
I recited the entire Logan story. Every detail, from December until now. Moira Nightingale just – got it. She totally understood the situation. In turn, everything Moira Nightingale told me was exactly the advice I had been looking for:
“You need to let go.”
“Logan is a player.”
“You can take a positive lesson away from this negative experience.”
We covered so much over the course of the session, which was about two hours long. It was so therapeutic. Well, duh. We wrote down a lot of notes, too. An assortment of life mottos to live by, which Moira Nightingale said would help me achieve what I want in my life and relationships. I was given the papers to take home and study as daily mantras. Overall, it was such a fantastic session. I felt so much better. So much more – sure of myself.
That newfound confidence might have had something to do with the fact that Moira Nightingale outright told me, “You don’t need therapy.” I found that proclamation very interesting, actually. A psychiatrist had just listened to everything I had to say, and at the end of it, told me that I really didn’t need her services. It was odd, but also encouraging. I don’t know how to describe the feeling.
Of course, Moira Nightingale said that her door was always open should I ever feel the need to come back. However, based on what we talked about during the session, she said that she didn’t see any major, long-term problems:
“You’re going to be fine, Kurt. This will pass. At the end of the day, I can tell that you know who you are. You know what you want. You’re confident, you’re driven, and your hard work and many talents are going to take you very far in life. You have nothing to worry about.”
While that was obviously encouraging to hear, I think the biggest thing I took away from my time with Moira Nightingale was her lesson of living in the moment and allowing my life to take its course. To not think so far ahead. To avoid forming expectations, as they will only lead to disappointment when things don’t turn out the way I had envisioned them. Moira Nightingale said that I needed to apply such a mentality to all areas of my life, whether it’s in a relationship – i.e., Logan – or an event in my life – i.e., MOMENTS. I must commit myself to a life of happiness.
After I had wrapped things up with Moira Nightingale, I drove around in the rain doing a variety of errands for what felt like an eternity. There were so many moments where I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed, but I pushed on and finished everything.
When I finally returned to the Witch Cave, I think I ate about four English muffins, along with a buffet of other carbohydrates, while I worked on a BuzzFeed article. As part of my promotional plan for MOMENTS, I’m writing a massive GIF-based article to draw some attention to the event. It’s coming along, but my computer is so goddamn slow that it takes me forever to get anything done, especially when it concerns anything involving media. Other work this evening included: editing promotional photos for the Gladstone Hotel, compiling a photo collection of Mariah Carey candids for Kate to print (bless her – again), and sourcing videos for a projection wall at the party. Lots of productivity tonight. Good job, Kurty.
I fell asleep for an hour around 7 p.m. When I woke up, I knew I needed to keep going, so I went to the gym and did my thing. Bryan wanted to see me tonight. I wanted to see him as well, but it was way too late by the time I was walking home from the gym. I told Bryan we could try again tomorrow.
I did a bit more work at the Witch Cave, and now I’m about to pass out. Well, only after I have another English muffin. I’m so fucking hungry these days, it’s not even funny.
In case I ever lose my notes from today, here’s what I wrote with Moira Nightingale during our session together:
I am in a relationship that’s like this
This is what I intend:
– Monogamous
– Committed + treasuring
– I feel wanted + treasured
– I appreciate + am appreciated
– I feel happy + exude inspiration
– I feel like I’m home
– This person is solid
Moira Nightingale then had me write down what I want in my life…
My Cherished Life
My life is about:
– Passion
– Spontaneity
– Creativity
– Excitement
– Happiness
– Life of the party
…and then she put those words into statements, and encouraged me to look at them every day to affirm what I want in my life:
– My life stands for passion and I live with creativity – breathing inspiration and purpose into my career, my work, and my relationships
– I make a difference and commit myself to a life of happiness and joy
– I am about being spontaneous and in the moment. I’m living in the moment, wishing everyone well. May I live my best life and may others live theirs
– My life is about humor and a sense of humor and playfulness
– I always see the positives in life and people
The final note was just that. A note. Moira Nightingale wrote an acronym on a Post-It, and gave it to me as reminder on how to better handle situations that create anxiety in my life:
N.A.P.
Notice
Accept
Proceed
Goodnight xo
One of my errands today was picking up the MOMENTS event/club stamp I had custom-made at Staples. Pretty cool!
The pink triangle on my wrist is a real tattoo. It’s my favorite of the six small tattoos I have scattered across my body, and was the first one I ever got. I had the triangle done in San Francisco’s Castro District in May 2012 – two years after I had come out, and the same day I broke up with RX. Toronto, Ontario
First page of my Moira Nightingale notes. Witch Cave, Toronto
Second page of my Moira Nightingale notes. Witch Cave, Toronto