I’m definitely good at embracing the recovery lifestyle. If only I could put that on my resume as job experience for the last two years, I would be President and C.E.O. of some company by now.
People treat you so differently when they see that you’re injured. Even though I’m fairly mobile and don’t really enjoy being attended to all that much, it’s still nice to know that I can ask someone for something and have them fulfill my request without hesitation. I also want to go to Walmart with Mom so I can ride a scooter without judgment.
My foot was feeling much better today. After my usual morning message roundup, I rolled over in bed and caught a glimpse of my overflowing closet. I decided that I would do a purge. Not of clothes, but of everything else. I pulled down so many boxes of random crap, and filled two recycling bins with old papers. I really don’t think I’m going to be needing my eleventh-grade math exams any time soon.
I spent quite a while in the depths of my closet. A purge like that always feels good. It barely looks like I did anything, but I definitely did. I’m saving my “Disney Drawer” for last. There is honestly so much crap in that thing, I am afraid to open it. Whenever I find something Disney-related, I throw it in the drawer and walk away. Lord knows there is everything from Walt Disney World shampoo bottles to ten-year-old chocolate coins buried inside. I’m not as bad with my hoarding now, but I was a serious packrat for a long time. All of these recent bedroom purges are an effort at fixing the epidemic of my overflowing Banker’s Boxes.
A closet cleaning isn’t always refreshing, though. I often find things that I don’t particularly care to see, or be reminded of. That includes a lot of stuff from RX. I can look back on some items with fond memories, but other pieces make me a little sad. For example, opening up an old note pad today and seeing surprise messages RX had left for me. Stuff like that. Oh, well.
I don’t really know what RX’s goal is when he messages me out of the blue the way he does. The last time I saw RX in person was in November. That evening, my goal was to basically get back together with him. Or, at least, push things in that direction. I was sure I had made that clear. That’s why I was so upset when RX responded to my efforts with actions that made it obvious he was not interested.
If RX knows that a romantic relationship is what I want – if I hold his hand during a movie, buy him dinner and drinks, and try to kiss him goodbye at the end of the night – and he doesn’t want that, why keep me hanging on? The sad part is, I don’t want RX to cut the line. Of all the guys that have come and gone – who have treated me like crap, or the ones who I have tossed aside – RX is the only one that I still care about. I wonder if he feels the same way?
After my morning purge, I had some breakfast and watched Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back and a bit of Episode VI, then decided to take advantage of the amazing weather we’ve been having. I lay out in my underwear by the pool for a while, and then went with Phillip to meet Mom and Dad at the backyard BBQ our neighbors Adrienne and Marco were having at their place.
This house was pimped out. The backyard was insane. If you blocked out the screaming children, it was almost like being at the Versace Mansion. It was crazy. Adrienne and Marco also had a ton of food and two slushy machines at their poolside bar. Food and slushies? Those are two of my favorite things!
Another favorite thing of mine is when a host insists on me having a lot to drink, despite the fact that I’m on intense pain medication. I had stretched out my afternoon dose of Percocet, but ended up doubling down just after 6 p.m. I washed two pills down with my alcoholic slushy. Maybe not the smartest idea. It was definitely a good time, though! Marco also put on an amazing fireworks display, during which one of the rockets shot into the crowd and almost took out a few of the kids. It was fucking hilarious. There was a sweet bonfire as well, and I was snug as a bug in my High School Musical hoodie and Snuggie blanket, which Mom brought over from Casa Z.
Phillip wasn’t at the BBQ the whole time. Although, when he was, the two of us hung out together and talked about a bunch of different stuff. Everything from music, drugs, dating, Tinder, and sexual experiences. Lately, I’ve found that Phillip and I have been talking a lot about this stuff. At first, I thought it was because we had been getting closer and could talk more openly about such topics. However, I then remembered that I’ve always been really open about my life experiences.
I think that what’s happened, especially now that he’s recently single, is that Phillip is interested in trying new things. Phillip wants to take advantage of his newfound freedom. You can tell. It’s as though Phillip is itching to experience a lot of different things as a single young adult, because he’s now free to do it all. Obviously, I’m right there to encourage it.
Phillip told me that he wanted to try cocaine. I told him that I’m on an anti-depressant – and not to tell Mom or Dad. We talked about sexual partners, the importance of safe sex and getting tested, experiences with drugs – everything. I want Phillip to try it all, but I also want to be real with him about the consequences of such activities. Fortunately, I think Phillip is interested in hearing about both sides of my experiences. At the end of the day, conversations like today’s also make me feel like a true big brother. I like that.
Mom, Dad, and I returned to Casa Z around 10 p.m. I really wanted to finish watching Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi, but wanted to do so whilst stoned. I figured that it was now the end of the night, and I was already satisfied with my indulgence at the BBQ, so some blazing would be a good way to wind down.
I hopped into Phillip’s empty room, and took some of the dispensary weed he had left in his bathroom. There were two baggies. I chose the one that I hadn’t smoked yet, which was more of a “body high” than the previous one. I smoked a bowl from my bong, and then took my remaining Percocet for the day, as it had now been four hours since my last dose.
Immediately after blazing, I moved to the top of the staircase and heard Mom and Dad talking in the family room. The weed started hitting me hard. There was no way I was going to throw my drugged ass to the lions like that. I returned to my room, where I lay on my bed and began watching Star Wars on my laptop.
I’m still not sure how to describe what happened next. I know it’s not technically possible with weed, but I think I overdosed. All of the sudden, I knew something was wrong. A horrible feeling washed over me. I became extremely anxious. I couldn’t keep still. My mind was racing everywhere. I sat up, and moved to the edge of my bed.
I’m writing most of this journal entry a day late, because I couldn’t look at my computer screen without freaking out last night. I remember closing my MacBook, and saying out loud, “I can’t fucking watch this shit right now.”
I hopped into my bathroom. While looking in the mirror and touching my face, I said to myself, “Oh, my God. I am so fucked up!” Note to self: don’t look in the mirror while you’re high!
This was probably the most intense high I’ve had in a while. However, the problem was that I couldn’t distinguish what the high was a result of. I didn’t smoke any more weed than I normally do. Mind you, it was a different strain than I was used to. On the flip side, I couldn’t tell if I was having a bad reaction to my foolish decision of taking another two Percocet with the copious amounts of alcohol I had ingested at the BBQ, or if it was just my clouded mind over-analyzing the situation.
I decided that it would be best to lie down and go to sleep. Convinced that I was dying, I set a timer for an hour, hoping that it would bring me back to life. I couldn’t fall asleep, though. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest.
I returned to my bathroom, looked in the mirror, and could see two veins on the side of my neck throbbing like I had just finished running a marathon. I chugged back a gallon of water in the hopes that it might dilute the alcohol in my system. I thought of eating something, too. Unfortunately, there was no way in hell I could have any human contact in such a state – especially not with my parents so close to the kitchen. I felt like a swamp monster having a panic attack.
Back in my bed, I closed my eyes. Through a series of breathing exercises, I tried to calm myself down. It seemed to do the trick. My mind was racing about everything from Natasha’s boob job, to me dying. It was such a strange experience. I really did think that I was in serious trouble. I guess I learned my lesson.
My alarm went off, and I pushed it back another hour. After it went off again, I finally came to the conclusion that I was not going to die. I decided to wash the bonfire ashes off my face, and call it a night. Wow.
Goodnight xo
Resting in bed. The top right corner of my bandaged foot is where the pin is located. Kurt’s Bedroom, Casa Z
Versace Mansion. Adrienne & Marco’s Backyard
Slushy drink and my stump. Adrienne & Marco’s Backyard
Note to self… Adrienne & Marco’s Backyard
“High” School Musical hoodie. Adrienne & Marco’s Backyard
Go Wildcats! Adrienne & Marco’s Backyard