I will never be a morning person.
I don’t mind waking up early to do personal things. Even then, I’m not a huge fan. I do my best work at night, anyway. My writing is better. I’m more creative. I’m more honest. When I have to wake up at 6 a.m., only to go work at some meaningless job for shit pay, that’s another story.
I literally worked three hours at The Store this morning. Three hours! It was so stupid. I was moving so slow the entire morning, too. Those three hours felt like an eternity. Fortunately, an early start meant an early finish. I clocked out at 10 a.m., and then sped out of the mall parking lot like a NASCAR driver.
After work, I wasn’t quite ready to settle in at Casa Z for the day, so I decided to take a little side trip to IKEA. I have yet to use the sewing machine that I got for Christmas, and lately I’ve really been wanting to try it out. I figured it would be a great idea to buy an accessory kit to jumpstart that process. Because, you know, that’s just sound logic. So, that’s what I did at IKEA. I also bought four pant hangers and a hot dog. With all of my windows down, I peeled out of the parking lot, blasting Christina Aguilera as I drove 100km/h on surface streets.
Back at Casa Z, I had some lunch and began looking at an alarming lack of job postings online. I also tried to follow up with the music production company. The lady I wanted to talk to was “on the phone,” and I was told she would have to “call me back.” Naturally, that never happened. I’ll try again in two days. Fuck.
While waiting for the phone call that never came, I continued reading my Chelsea Handler book. I love every word that woman writes. I wish I could be as funny as Chelsea. Maybe I can. I just have to sit down and actually write for once.
Earlier last week, I was texting with my friend Adam Daniels. He’s one of the few friends that I have in the Casa Z area, and I told him that I was going to be in town a little more often this month for work. Adam was quite happy about that. I think he’s lonely. Well, duh. Adam lives in the boonies and doesn’t have a car. Even if he’s not lonely, he’s certainly bored.
Adam told me that he was going to get off work around 8:30 p.m. tonight. With Mom and Dad downtown at the Toronto Raptors basketball game until at least 11:30 p.m., I figured it would be the perfect opportunity for Adam to come over to Casa Z for some fun. The plan was for me to pick up Adam at his work, and then drive us both to the house. It couldn’t have come at a better time, either. As Cher Horowitz from Clueless would say: “What that man needs is a good, healthy boinkfest!”
It’s now been about one week since my last sexual encounter with Bryan. I’m not sure if I ever ended up writing about what happened, actually. As usual, Bryan and I finished our typical straddle/masturbation routine, which always leaves me feeling less than satisfied.
When all was said and come (hehe) that night, I looked up at Bryan. In a disappointing tone, I sighed, “I thought we were going to have sex tonight.”
Looking back, I suppose a statement like that might have sounded a bit rude. But, whatever. I really did think that Bryan and I were going to finally hit a home run.
Sex is all about non-verbal cues. Body language. Nothing is more frustrating than when your partner is – quite literally – not picking up what you’re laying down. I was riding that boy like a goddamn horse. Grinding. Gyrating. Giddy up! I teased Bryan’s dick on just about every level, and we still didn’t have sex.
Naturally, when I made that comment to Bryan, he seemed sort of shocked.
“You did? Oh,” he admitted.
Bryan paused for a few seconds.
“I…like...never have sex,” he continued. “Only when I’m in a relationship, really.”
Great. Just fucking great.
Is it me? Am I cursed? I refuse to repeat the drought of 2014 and 2015. I am not going another goddamn 14 months without sex. It’s as though I attract these guys. I thought that guys wanted to fuck all the time? Isn’t that the “one thing” that’s always on their mind? Has every dad from every teenage movie/sitcom been lying to me this entire time?
Jumping forward.
Now that Bryan has provided me with that great piece of information, I don’t even want to have sex with him anymore. What’s the point, really? I’m going to break up with him soon, anyway. Knowing that sex means so much to Bryan, I don’t want to have him give it up, only for me to end things a week later. Still, Bryan and I have been dating for two months now. Is it such a stretch to think that penetration might be an option at this point? Apparently, it is.
After a short nap, I went downstairs to work out in the basement. Halfway through my routine, I tried to confirm tonight’s pick-up time with Adam. Well, the guy ended up bailing on me. It sucked, but I understood his reasoning.
Adam works 40+ hours a week in a demanding retail job. Knowing how I feel when I work less than half of that at The Store, I totally get where he’s coming from. In fact, Adam even opened up to me a bit tonight. He told me that he’s beginning to feel very depressed. I reached out, and told him that I’m always here to help. I hope that Adam takes me up on the offer. I don’t want my friends – including those with benefits – to feel down.
At the beginning of my workout, I was actually feeling quite low myself. I thought about killing myself, even. It’s weird for me to be writing that now, because I think about it differently. I’m in a different headspace. Although I can remember the general feeling I had earlier tonight, it’s hard to describe exactly how I felt. Hopeless, maybe? Angry. Defeated.
I switched my music in an attempt to perk myself up. It worked. With emotions and frustrations being pushed out of me through exercise, I felt a lot more empowered by the end of the night.
Reading my Chelsea Handler book has been helping to boost my confidence as well. Chelsea just doesn’t give a fuck what people think about her. I love it. That kind of self-assurance is bringing me to a point where I want to be more confrontational in my life.
I wanted to kill myself tonight. It’s a very strange feeling writing that out. But, it’s true. I was sitting on the floor of the gym, tracing the veins on my arm with my fingernail. The more I thought about suicide, the more I realized that there are too many things I need to accomplish – and resolve – in my life before I die.
I want to confront Logan. I want to ask him flat out why he stopped talking to me.
I want to accomplish more in my life.
I want to write a book.
I want to be the best at something.
I want to leave a legacy.
And I don’t want to leave this earth until I do all of that, and more.
I looked at Logan’s Instagram account tonight. Truth be told, I was semi-expecting to have a complete breakdown in the process. Sort of like the time I looked at RX’s account after we broke up, and found out he had been dating a new guy for months. Fortunately, I didn’t find anything that exciting – or devastating – on Logan’s profile.
It looks like Logan was vacationing in Maine recently. He might also be working for a new company. I don’t know for sure, though. On the bright side, Logan was also tagged in a new photo that made him look less than handsome. At least, compared to some of the other guys in the photo. That’s not to say that looks are a huge deal to me. They aren’t. I think both Logan and RX are attractive in their own way, but that wasn’t why I wanted to be with either of them. Nonetheless, seeing someone look ugly can be a nice little confidence boost when you need it. Anyway, that was that. There wasn’t much to see. And thank God for that. I digress.
With Adam having bailed, I decided to spend more time in the gym. After showering, I continued texting with Greg – as I had been doing since my shift at The Store this morning – and read some more of my Chelsea book in bed.
I barely talked to Bryan today. Oh, and that random Grindr Guy from the other day finally responded to my message. But, only after I changed my profile picture. Seriously, what’s so jarring about a collage of me and Fran the Nanny? Oy.
The Grindr Guy and I covered the basics – names and jobs. If anyone asks, I “just” finished a contract at The Toronto Film Group. That was about it. Now that I think about it, I suppose it was a pretty short conversation for me to have already asked him to dinner this weekend. I just want off that damn app so bad. Once I clear this Grindr Guy (Pierre), I’m deleting it. We’ll see what happens.
Time for bed, just before 12 a.m.
Goodnight xo
“Fighter” - Christina Aguilera