Feeling better today. I was also much smarter about my eating.
I’m extremely tired. It’s stupid, because it’s my own fault. The vicious cycle continues every day of the week. I’ll go to bed late one night, wake up early the next morning, and then repeat the exhaustion spiral until Saturday morning. This is also why I end up sleeping until noon on weekends. My body is so distraught. Tonight, I had every opportunity to go to bed at a decent hour. Naturally, I did everything else I could think of instead.
After working my regular 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. at the dungeon, I scooted off to the gym and did my thing. I was so happy to be back home at 8:30 p.m. Honestly, that’s a huge feat in my books. Once I settled in at the Witch Cave, I decided to take the plunge and start chopping up my Mariah Carey “Heartbreaker” jeans. Snip, snip, snip. They look fantastic. I’m not sure why cutting the waistband off your denim was ever a trend, but far be it from me to question Mimi’s fashion choices. It is what it is. The jeans look amazing, though. Very happy.
I ended up watching Matilda in bed tonight, which was the main reason for my insomnia. I’m torn when it comes to moments like these, though. I want some sort of relaxation in my life. I like watching a movie when I come home, as it gives me a chance to catch my breath and unwind from work, but obviously it screws with my sleep schedule. It’s my only chance, though. Routines like work and the gym are non-negotiable. It’s either live a life of mundane repetitiveness, or try to insert some R&R where I can and risk the fatigue. Seems like the latter always wins.
While getting ready for bed, I tried on my jeans one hundred more times before I eventually crawled under the covers and masturbated. I had taken the jeans off at that point. In a weird turn of events, I then spent an hour reading an extremely long interview about a woman who was essentially forced to have a late-term abortion. Her story was so horribly sad. It made me want to stand up for women even more than I already do. Due to the way I was brought up – well, maybe not brought up, but the way I’ve behaved socially since I was a kid, being friends with all girls, etc. – I think I have a different view as a male when it comes to women.
I cannot understand where men come from when they treat women so poorly, or view them as their weaker, disposable counterparts. Even when Phillip says something like, “Women can’t be funny.” For God’s sake, man! If it weren’t for women, you wouldn’t be here! Do people not understand this? You’re literally condemning the reason you are alive today. It’s idiotic on all levels.
I have so much respect for women (*Donald Trump voice*). Reading that interview made me think of my mom and all of the trauma she has experienced throughout her life. Yet, despite the pain, Mom has remained a pillar of hope, kindness, and support to everyone around her. Sometimes, it’s even with people she barely knows. Often to Mom’s own demise, she always puts others before herself. Goddamn it. I love her so much.
Without an ounce of doubt, my mother is the most inspiring person in my life. I would be happy if I could grow up to be even half the person she is. I think of Natasha, too. What it must have been like to experience what she went through at only 20-years-old, and how much respect I have for my best friend. I love the women in my life more than anything. I will support them, and their rights, in any way that I can. I am infinitely proud to call so many women my friends, family, and of course, mother.
I love you, Mom.
Goodnight xo
“Heartbreaker” - Mariah Carey