You know how sometimes you die after a night of drinking? Then, the next morning, you rise out of bed with a gasp like corpse brought back to life? Well, that was me today. Death becomes him.

My hangover was real. Not the worst one I’ve ever had, but it certainly wasn’t my best look. Thanks to Daylight Savings Time, I also woke up at 1 p.m. today. That fucked me up to begin with, because it was so late, but then I shot back my morning cocktail of pills and things got even worse. For the record, I mix up that cocktail from time to time, but right now it includes: a weight loss multi-vitamin, three 100mg caffeine pills, another multi-vitamin and, on occasion, a B12 pill. Today’s caffeine pills did not go down well.

Caffeine pills aren’t exactly a new presence in my morning routine, but they’d never made me feel this jittery before. I was wired. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t calm myself down, either. I tried lying down on my bed. When I looked towards my feet, I could see my heart thumping out of my chest. It was a bit scary, to be honest, because there wasn’t anything I could do.

I ate a bagel. About an hour later, I threw it up. After that, I felt much better and the hangover had pretty much cleared up. I didn’t like that, though. I mean the vomiting part. Every time I’m in that physical position, sitting on the bathroom floor and hovering over the toilet, my mind is instantly transported back to all of those times I spent crying in that exact same spot. Bloodshot eyes. Tears. The sting of stomach acid on the back of my throat and nose. It’s not an image – or feeling – I like to remember.

Having semi-recovered from this afternoon’s hell, I filmed a series of videos throughout the Witch Cave. This often happens when I’m hungover. Once the initial pain, haze, and grog of my hangover subsides, I end up very hyperactive. Like, bouncing off the walls insane, until I eventually crash again much later.

Around 5 p.m., I finally got myself together. Miraculously, I even managed to make it to the gym. Granted, I was high as all hell because I blazed before I left the Witch Cave, but still. I pushed through my entire workout, so I was proud of myself.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it, but Phillip is going to be the DJ for MOMENTS. This is due in part to two reasons. Well, maybe three reasons:

Phillip is a great DJ
I can have complete control over the music
I don’t have to pay him

We had planned to meet up for our first run through tonight, but Phillip was being a prick about scheduling, so it never ended up happening. I mean, it’s not the end of the world. There’s still a lot of work I can do with the music on my end that I’ve yet to start, so I’ll tackle that this week. I just don’t want any further problems with Phillip as we get closer to the party.

Since my plans with Phillip fell through, I took the car out and ended up spending the evening with Bryan. I drove us to Grand Electric for dinner and we had a nice meal and conversation. This now marks date number three. This is also where I start to get a bit panicky.

I think I’m nervous because these dates with Bryan have been happening so close to all of the Logan stuff. It’s almost as though I’m trying to shape my relationship with Bryan into the one I had with Logan. Like, I can feel myself – hear myself – saying the exact same things to Bryan that I said to Logan. Or, telling the same stories. Acting the same way. I hate it. I don’t want to be that person, but it’s almost subconscious. Even tonight, as I was kissing Bryan goodbye – yeah, I drove him home and we made out in my car for a bit – I was only thinking about how I miss the way Logan used to kiss me. I wanted that from Bryan. I wanted him to kiss me like that. I wanted Bryan to bite my lip. I wanted him to use his tongue. But, Bryan can’t give that to me. He’s not Logan. And he never will be.

I’m trying to live in the moment. I’m trying to open my mind and heart to this really nice guy. But, I’m not sure if I’m over Logan. In fact, I’m sure I’m not. Ugh. I don’t even want to type this. I don’t want it documented. But, sometimes I feel like this is all a part of me trying to fill a void. Am I using Bryan to get over Logan? I might be. And I feel like that makes me such an asshole. Imagine if someone did that to you, how much it would hurt?

I don’t want any of this to end negatively. This is what I’m always afraid of when it comes to dating. The same can be said about my situation with Tito. I have these incredibly nice, generous, kind, and caring men in my life, and I feel like I fuck it up with them every time. I don’t want to hurt these guys. Yet, that’s all I seem to be capable of doing in my relationships. It’s basically why I don’t even want to date at all. Because I know that 99.9% of the time, I’m going to end up feeling completely over the guy.

I want the attention, though. I want that person to talk to, and to be affectionate with. There’s a huge void in my life. I know there is. I’m yearning so deeply for companionship. I want it so badly. I want to be able to share the well of love inside of me. I thought that I had found someone who I could give that love to. And who would be able to give it to me in return. But, as it turns out, I was wrong. And it really fucking sucks.

I went back to the Witch Cave after my date with Bryan, feeling kind of low. Maybe it’s the tail-end of my Hangover Blues. Or, maybe it’s just Sunday. I got some candy across the street and then figured out my schedule for this coming week. It’s going to be absolutely insane, but I need the activity. I haven’t had a schedule this busy since September when I was working for the Toronto Film Group, so it’s definitely going to be a bit of a culture shock. But, maybe that’s a good thing? I need something to get me out of this haze I’ve been in and force me to start hustling again.

Today was a very weird say. Such a mix of emotions. I’m regaining my confidence, though. Slowly but surely, I can feel it. However, I’m becoming dependent on weed again. That needs to stop. I was stoned almost every day and night this past week, and the distraction and lack of ambition that Mary Jane brings with her is not what I need right now. Do I ever need it? Mostly, though, I miss Logan. I hope I hear from him this week. Honestly, I feel like I lost a part of me when he left. Oh, God. Did I just unintentionally quote Mariah Carey? Alright, that’s my cue. I need to go to bed.