Today was my last shift of the week at The Store. I’m free for the weekend! Although, as I’ve said before, that doesn’t mean much when you’re unemployed.

When you don’t have a job, Saturday and Sunday are simply two days where nothing gets done. Mind you, it’s not exactly like things are getting done during the week around here, either. So, who gives a fuck?

The saddest part about this whole job search is that there aren’t even any postings to apply to right now. I’m hoping to some higher power that the applications I’m waiting on come through. Otherwise, it’s going to be an interesting summer. At least, by then, my anti-depressant will have hopefully have kicked in. My appetite has definitely been affected by the medication, by the way. I don’t have much of a desire to eat anymore. I suppose there are worse side effects to be had.

Anyway, I worked at The Store from 7 a.m. to 10 a.m. this morning. Right after that, I went home to Casa Z and immediately got back in the car to go to Niagara Falls, New York for the day with Mom and Dad. I read a lot on the way there – I’m now on Chelsea Handler’s My Horizontal Life – and we did all of the usual stops south of the border.

Overall, I would say today’s road trip with Mom and Dad was probably the best I have been with them since I can remember. I spent the entire day in the car with my parents, and I thought I behaved pretty well. At times, I even caught myself letting loose a bit. Again, I don’t want to get caught up in a placebo effect with my new medication before it actually starts working, but – maybe it is? I don’t know. It’s been three days, so I doubt it.

I thought about Logan a lot today. Especially while we drove through Niagara, as it reminded me of how much he enjoyed the area when he visited me in January. That evening at the Prince of Wales Hotel was so romantic.

As we were driving home –

Oy. I already know this is such a ridiculous story. Brace yourself.

As we were driving home, I had to put my book down while listening to the car radio. “Dilemma” by Nelly and Kelly Rowland started playing. While listening to the lyrics, I grabbed my phone and sent Logan a message without even thinking. It just happened.

Kurt (7:11 p.m.): “How’ve you been?”

Simple, but I was hoping it would spark something.

I miss Logan. I’m tired of feeling this way. It’s been over a month since I last talked to him, but it feels like an eternity. I still want to talk to him every single day. I figured, at the very least, my message might help us to patch things up, or find some sort of closure. I can’t go on wondering why things unraveled the way they did. It doesn’t make sense. I can’t even express how much it hurts me to constantly think about him the way I do.

After we got home from Niagara, I unpacked my stuff and slipped into the gym to do my regular workout routine. My phone buzzed. Three times.

Logan (9:13 p.m.): “Not bad :)”

Logan (9:13 p.m.): “About to see a show now”

Logan (9:13 p.m.): “I’ll text soon”

Noting the time, those messages came through about two hours after I had sent my original message. I tried to play it cool and keep Logan waiting, but I didn’t want to play games. I responded right away.

Kurt (9:17 p.m.): “Okay – enjoy :)”

That was it. It’s midnight now, and I still haven’t heard back from Logan. Honestly, it would have to be some extremely shitty behavior for me not to hear from him again. But, we’ll see what happens. I probably shouldn’t hold my breath.

When I received the messages, my heart almost stopped. I kind of freaked out, actually. I was laying on the gym floor, in the middle of doing sit-ups. When I saw the messages, and processed what had happened, I bolted upstairs to my bedroom like a maniac and took a Xanax. I don’t know what came over me, but it sure as hell calmed me down.

A lot of this has to do with me having the small opportunity to visit New York City for a couple of days after Cousin Ashley’s wedding later this month. My gut is in knots about the whole thing, because I don’t know if I’m ready to go back. I feel like I would be an anxious mess if I was in New York City and didn’t tell Logan, or at least see about the chance of meeting up with him.

Maybe all of this will help me make my decision. I don’t know. Honestly, I have no idea how this is going to turn out. But, something is going to happen. For better, or for worse.

“I don’t know when
I don’t know how
But I know something’s starting right now.”

— The Little Mermaid, “Part of Your World (Reprise)”

I finished my workout with some painful new running shoes that I brought back from Niagara Falls. Nothing major. I just need to break them in. After that, I showered up and went to bed.

Again, no response from Logan. Yeah. I fucking caved. I can’t believe I sent that message. But, who fucking cares at this point? I can’t sit around and wait for people to do what I want them to do. That has been a hard lesson to learn. I’m trying to be more upfront. More confrontational. I think I owe it to myself after dealing with some truly shady shit from guys like Logan.

Goodnight xo