Oh, God. I’m only realizing as I type this that my birthday is one month away.

It should come as no surprise that 25 has been one of – if not the – worst years of my life. However, as much as I want this hell to be over, it makes me sad to have seen an entire year of my life gone by without any major personal developments having occurred.

My depression seemed to have returned in full force today. As I had hoped would not be the case, I woke up without a message from Logan this morning. I actually woke up pretty early, and then went back to sleep for a few more hours.

I stayed in bed for a while, texting with Greg for a long time about random stuff. We talked mostly about Greg’s roommate, and some of her more inconsiderate behavior, along with a few other topics.

I’m always slightly surprised when I hear about other people’s problems. It’s not that I’m oblivious to them, but I know that I have a tendency to zone in on my own issues and get lost in that obsession. As such, when I hear from friends about their struggles with whatever – boys, housing, money, etc. – it reminds me that nobody’s life is perfect. Maybe that’s why I try to help people so much? Perhaps it’s a form of therapy for me. A slight reality check on my own life.

I went downstairs to make some toast. Dad’s bicycling friend, Lucien, walked into the kitchen. The two of them had just returned from a ride. It didn’t even faze me that I was in my pajamas and had three-feet of bedhead. I said hello, and carried on with my task.

As I was waiting silently for the toaster to ding, Lucien asked me, “So, are you living here full-time? Or…?”

Fortunately, Dad walked into the kitchen at the same time. I didn’t answer Lucien. I just sighed, and walked back upstairs to my room with my plate of carbs. That was a great pick-me-up.

Eventually, I did receive a message from Logan.

Logan (12:31 p.m.): “How’s things?”

Our conversation, if you could even call it that, lasted about an hour. It included five messages from myself, and was essentially me reacting to Logan telling me about his work and recent vacation in as few words as possible. That was it. I sent a follow-up message a few hours after in an attempt to keep the conversation going. That was at 4:30 p.m., and it’s now after 1 a.m. as I’m writing this journal entry.

The whole exchange with Logan sort of set me off with the anxiety today. Although, as the day progressed, I’m now left feeling differently about it. I’m sure my mood will change another 100 times over the next day, but it’s just an endless stream of shitty behavior on Logan’s end. It’s so disappointing.

At this point, I don’t really want anything from more from Logan. My low self-esteem would probably say otherwise, and if Logan wanted to see me, I would probably say yes. But, it seems that’s not going to happen. Throughout our entire exchange, Logan didn’t ask me a single question about my life and doings.

What I was hoping to gain from this was closure. Closure, in the form of an explanation. I want to know why Logan turned on me the way he did. Why did he shut down? What I had imagined was a basic conversation – certainly something more than an hour in length – which would have then led into that explanation, and maybe even an apology. That’s what I wanted.

I feel like the window for obtaining Logan’s reasoning has now either closed, or is about to. In my attempt to be more forward with my emotions, I’m going to flat out ask him. I don’t want to spend forever wondering. If only he knew. Anyway, that’s that.

Before I began my conversation with Logan this afternoon, I took a Xanax. Later, I also went to Walmart to run some errands and pick up groceries for Mom. Wow. What an exciting life I’m living. I had planned on writing and working on a few job applications today, but I didn’t feel like it.

After Walmart, I returned home to Casa Z. I ate some junk food, and went to my room to read and take a nap. Mom and Dad had company over tonight, so I was also hiding from any potential social interaction. Once I knew everyone was confined to the living room, I scurried down to the gym and spent a few hours doing my thing.

My anti-depressant medication is sort of making me lose my appetite. It’s been an unexpected, yet positive side effect, but I’m wondering how long it’s going to last. I think about food a lot. However, actually eating a full meal is something that’s hard for me to do. I also find myself clenching my jaw like a coke addict all the time. It’s weird.

After the gym, it was bedtime. I’ve been listening to Mariah’s Patti LaBelle tribute of “If Only You Knew” / “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” all day. It seems very fitting given the way I’ve been feeling these days.

“I must have rehearsed my lines
A thousand times
Until I had them memorized
But when I get up the nerve
To tell you the words
They never seem to
Come out right
Hmmm
If only you knew
How much I do
Do love you
Oh, if only you knew”

— Patti LaBelle, “If Only You Knew”

“Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
And if happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can’t I?”

— Judy Garland, “Over the Rainbow”

Goodnight xo